13 secrets of happy couples, by the therapist who knows
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, September 23rd, 2023.
Jean-Claude Chalmet has counselled hundreds of couples and he knows where most of them go wrong. Here’s his advice — There’s nothing so difficult as living with and loving another person. Over the past 30 years, I’ve counselled hundreds of couples in my practice, and certain issues always come up. Not all my clients are on the brink of divorce — far from it. Usually, they love each other, they want their relationship to be the best it can be and are mystified as to why they’re having such a difficult time. My job is to help them to better understand one another. When you’ve been together for many years, you can slip into unhelpful habits and eventually, instead of your relationship being alive, it’s merely existing.
Here are the common ways in which so many can get it wrong with their partner — and how to make it right.
1. Don’t brush off your partner’s feelings — even about small things
If something doesn’t bother you as much as it does your partner, you may brush it off. It’s easily done, but when you dismiss their concerns — that, say, they think you drive too fast — they can feel as if they hardly matter. The ability to read your partner and care enough to respond to their needs is called “emotional attunement” and it’s the key to long-term happiness.
Couples who are good together over the long term have learnt to watch the other, and if they sense that their partner is upset or annoyed, they don’t ignore it or dismiss it. They’re not afraid to say: “Hey, are you OK? I feel you’re a little bit off — did I do something wrong?” Or: “I touched a nerve and I ignored it, and I’m sorry.”
2. Never avoid those sensitive conversations
No one enjoys a difficult conversation. You may be afraid you’ll say or hear something devastating, or that talking will make the situation worse. But as I frequently see with couples, if you’re unwilling to resolve resentments, the tiny fault lines in your relationship deepen. Ask yourself why you find it so hard to speak to this person when you once couldn’t wait to tell them everything. It’s painful to clean a wound, but you can’t let it fester. Rather than launch into a sensitive conversation without warning, say: “I want to talk about something difficult. Can you give me the time to explain it?” If you fear you’ll say something cruel in anger, you could even put down your thoughts in a letter. But do communicate.
3. Maintain independence — ensure you have separate interests
A relationship thrives on independence, with each partner retaining their individuality. Being joined at the hip is a passion killer — there’s zero excitement. I often see such couples in my practice, and for them, sex is a yearly occasion. In therapy we call it “codependence”, and it’s often seen in people-pleasers. You make joint decisions and modify your opinions to suit the other; you’d rather not express how you genuinely feel in case that causes upset or conflict. And so you bicker. I tell couples to use that tension and energy to break out of their cosy but suffocating bubble. Dare to say what you think (tactfully). Perhaps you could each take up a hobby you once loved, but separately. That way you become interesting, more fully yourself, and it breathes new life into the relationship.
4. Don’t organise your lives around ‘to do’ lists and chores
Some couples develop an “organisational partnership”. Any intimacy is blown out of the water by the Excel chart on the fridge door detailing duties and timetables. There’s little connection between you because you prioritise the gym, ferrying the kids around and your jobs, so you barely cross paths. You’re living parallel lives, and even when you are together you’re distracted. Often, these couples know things don’t feel quite right between them but feel frozen. I advise them to start by changing one thing. Spontaneously text the other person just to say hi. Leave the washing up. Go for a walk one evening midweek, or to the coast on Sunday, just the two of you — snap out of autopilot.
5. Are your relationship styles clashing? Here’s what to do
Couples often have different relationship styles and my role as a therapist can often feel to me like that of a translator. Some people are transaction-based (they give, and expect to receive) and others are feelings-based. A person who’s transaction-based will be aware that they bring something of value to the relationship, but in return, they feel entitled to take what they need. Meanwhile, the feelings-based person tries to be thoughtful and hopes their partner will respond in kind.
It’s important to understand that you can’t expect a feelings-based person to become transactional or vice versa — they speak different languages. The transaction-based person thinks: “I’m doing my bit.” But in a long-term relationship, that feels lonely to a feelings-based person. I hear so often: “I love my partner, but I wish I didn’t feel so alone.” If a couple becomes aware of their differences, they are easier to negotiate. You might ask: “What could I do better? I care about you, but I don’t always know what I should do, so can you help me?”
6. Understand why sex matters
Sex isn’t everything but it certainly cements and celebrates your relationship. While fallow periods are normal — due to stress, illness, change, grief — in long-term relationships sex is an area that requires some prioritisation and effort. Otherwise, anything and everything takes precedence, and suddenly you’re a couple who love each other but whose love life has dwindled to once a quarter. But you don’t have to feel hopeless and accept this as just how things are now. From what I see in my clinic, there’s usually some reason beyond tiredness. Often, we don’t dare ask: “Is this what you like?” We feel too embarrassed or ashamed to tell the other person what we like. So we never get what we want, and sex becomes a duty. We need to feel close to each other outside the bedroom before we can be vulnerable in it, so begin there. Be more present, do kind things. Then, eventually, you might say, “Do you remember when we did X — I loved that . . .” and receive a warm response.
7. It’s the little everyday acts that sustain love — not the big gestures
I’ve observed from years of counselling that being spoilt with a pile of fabulous gifts at birthdays or Christmas after 12 months of being treated brusquely or as an afterthought is miserable. Big gestures can’t replace day-to-day kindness.
When your partner regularly brings you a cup of tea in bed (with just the right amount of milk), gets your favourite pain au chocolat from the French bakery on the way back from their run, or makes you dinner when you are working late, you feel mutual appreciation. We express our love through our day-to-day behaviour. It’s being caring, kind, curious and responsive towards your partner, and sorry when you get it wrong, that keeps love alive.
8. Happy couples flirt with each other — they have fun
There’s so much work and admin involved when you’re sharing lives that fun can be sidelined. Often, fun comes from the new and challenging — cooking together, taking a dance course, joint ice skating lessons. (That said, playing tennis drove one couple that I counselled apart, as the husband, tellingly, relished crushing his wife when they played.) Playing is not about competing. It’s about connecting, something to bond and relax you. Flirting too can be lost in a long relationship because to show you’re still attracted requires confidence — you must feel sure it’s reciprocated. That’s why having more fun is important. When you’re laughing, tactility and teasing become easier, more natural — and you feel joy.
9. Put your phone down!
If you don’t listen or ask questions, how can you know what’s going on with each other? We long for our partner’s interest and feel lonely if we rarely get it. And once there’s disconnection, indifference sets in. The solution isn’t complicated. Check-in regularly with each other. “How are you? How was your day? How was the meeting/your sister/dental appointment?” Or: “Sorry I was snappy earlier. I care about you. What could I do better?”
It mustn’t be perfunctory. Listen. Don’t interrupt and do not glance at your phone. When someone is continuously on their phone, they’re signalling that the other person is not worthy of their attention. Date nights are a cliché, but they’re evidence you want to be closer, so plan one. Putting away your phones, sitting across from each other and talking can be a surprisingly effective boost to any relationship.
10. Don’t treat your partner like your parent — or act like one to your partner
If we’re lucky, we receive unconditional love from our parents. However, that’s not the case in adult relationships. Even so, women and men can be guilty of expecting to be indulged, forgiven and adored.
I ask couples, how old do you feel your partner is emotionally? Many women tell me their men are emotionally 20 years younger than their intellectual age. But there are also women who treat their husbands like a father. What this often means is that the childlike person expects their needs to be anticipated and prioritised — yet they rarely reciprocate.
If their partner expresses annoyance at their behaviour, the emotionally immature person does what many children do: they sulk or throw a tantrum. It’s a form of entitlement. Often because they bring something to the relationship — money, for example — they feel they deserve special treatment. In my clinic, I say to these people: “It must be lonely up there on your high horse.” To their partner, I say: “It’s time to tell them what you want.”
11. Don’t see change as a threat to your relationship — embrace it
Not embracing change or growth in the person you love feels like a betrayal. We want our partner to cheer us on, support us. What I often see in my clinic is that when one person becomes very successful and there’s a significant change — perhaps a new job means they’re moving in new circles, or there’s more travel abroad — their partner feels intimidated. If we want our partner to embrace change, we need to create the conditions that make that easier. Do you stay in touch regularly, check in? Do you ask about their day? Is there a reason they are being irritable?
If you are the one that feels threatened by the change, you have to be brave and start a conversation: “I worry you might dismiss this, but because I love you this is important to me.” Then tell them what you feel.
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12. Don’t neglect your personal appearance
Rare is the person who hasn’t gained a few pounds — or wrinkles, or sometimes a receding hairline — in midlife. It’s unfair to complain about that. But neglecting one’s personal care is frankly selfish. There’s no excuse for being tickled by your partner’s nose hair when you kiss or an assault of bad breath, and in my professional experience, men are more likely to be the culprits here.
Because they’re secure and comfortable in their relationship, they expect to be welcomed with open arms, stained clothing and all, often while their partner is head-to-toe immaculate. At times like this, it’s a moment for an honest but gentle conversation. Ideally, both partners would agree to make an effort. Funnily enough, the mere act of showing willingness is attractive in itself.
13. A relationship can handle a few unresolved issues
No relationship is perfect. So it’s normal for some issues to remain unresolved. Perhaps surprisingly, I actually believe that for some couples there’s a benefit in regurgitating certain arguments. Perhaps you secretly don’t want to resolve the issue, because recycling a familiar argument is a perverse way of being close — your partner reacts predictably, and gives you their full attention. The connection is toxic, but sometimes we’re like children — any attention is better than none. It can become a game you both understand. One of my clients confessed that she enjoys arguing over the same old thing because it leads to make-up sex. There are certainly other ways of bonding, but if it works for both partners, who am I to criticise?
As told to Anna Maxted
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