Are you heading for a slow-burn divorce?

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 18 October 2025.

Can’t be bothered to argue and sex is a chore. Therapist Jean Claude Chalmet on the signs your marriage is on the brink
Repair is possible for couples willing to change, says therapist Jean Claude Chalmet

Does a divorce ever really come “out of the blue”? Sometimes it can seem that way to others — because it’s very hard to know the reality of a marriage unless you’re in it. For the majority of couples I see, splitting up is the end result of a “slow burn” — where the feeling of being out of sync has become more jarring over time, and the loss of love has been a gradual slipping away. Even when a seismic event such as an affair is the catalyst for separation, it’s a secondary symptom of having grown distant.

In most marriages bonds fray slowly, until one day there’s the quiet and devastating realisation that you feel unbearably alone in your relationship. Over 27 years I’ve worked with hundreds of couples in my practice who have found themselves disconnected and well on the way to a “slow-burn divorce”. But if you recognise the signs and both partners are willing to change, it is possible to pull back from the brink — and find each other again.

Physical intimacy is disappearing or strangely impersonal

Physical intimacy can cease abruptly after a shock like an affair, but if the cause isn’t obvious, it often fades away quietly. People learn to perfect their avoidance techniques. If sex remains, it’s routine, unsatisfying, and there’s a sense of performing a duty, or feeling used. One client said, “When he touches me, it feels strangely impersonal.” Chances are your partner is thinking of someone else. It’s usually men who stream porn on their phone, self-satisfying in the loo while their wife is in the house. It’s an act of passive aggression. There’s no communication, or emotional intimacy. I ask couples, “Is it stress, resentment, or are you simply disconnected?” My next question is, “So when was the last time that intimacy felt natural and not performed?” This prompts shrugs, stony faces, or crying, anger or frustration — people blame each other. They haven’t talked about why — they should. It’s the only way that repair is possible.

Your partner is always forgetting what you’ve told them

You’ve mentioned three times that your parents are coming for lunch — but your partner has made other arrangements. They go through the charade of insisting, “You didn’t tell me!” If this happens a lot — forgetting details, not listening — it signals emotional withdrawal. It’s not about poor memory, it’s about no longer wanting to know. Or deprioritising. I believe it’s healthy curiosity (rather than distrustfully wanting to know everything) that keeps relationships alive. Lack of interest kills empathy in both partners, and the relationship weakens. I ask people if they can remember when they stopped being curious about their partner’s inner world. “Was there a particular event, or day, when you noticed you didn’t really care any more?” Only by being interested, having a deeper conversation than you normally do — putting energy in — might you stop the rot, because empathy leads to connection, and eventually trust.

There’s no excitement or discussion about the future

When partners don’t have shared plans, the relationship loses its sense of “us”. I ask couples, “What future events excite you? Your 25th anniversary? A big holiday together? The little things you might do more of when the kids leave?” Happy anticipation and chatting about all this shows emotional investment. But silence about the years ahead is often the beginning of separation. One partner might be visualising a future without the other. Clients often confess, “I’m bored, I feel I’m not alive, I’m just existing.” I ask, “What would you like from your partner, what would you like from life, and can we find a place where they overlap?” If the marriage is to revive, people must be willing to talk about the pain they carry, to lift the veil of numbness. Often they haven’t yet made peace with growing older. It’s hard to accept that your childhood dreams are over — but now it’s time to fulfil your grown-up dreams. Your partner is probably going through the same — why not discuss it?

You feel surprisingly vitriolic about small things

Contempt is terribly corrosive in a relationship. It drains it of respect. The smallest irritation is exaggerated. Body language is toxic — eye-rolling, sneering — and tone of voice is critical, sarcastic or mocking. Contempt is passive-aggressive — and a mask for hurt that hasn’t been aired or processed. When I say to clients, “You sound disappointed, angry, frustrated — but to me it feels like these emotions hide deep hurt,” 90 per cent agree. Then we talk about these hurts — what is the biggest and the smallest? They often include being ignored, never considered, unilateral decision-making, being cold-shouldered in bed. It’s important to gauge how far along we are — if love is recoverable. One couple told me, “We never fight.” I said, “I think you’re fighting 24-7.” The toxicity was so comfortable, they were wearing it like a second skin. Divorce was a relief.

Fantasising about divorce is dangerous for your relationship

There might be a fascination with the new lives of divorced friends — and blunt questions such as, “Was it expensive?” One client realised her husband seemed jealous of their divorced male friend’s dating tales. Fantasising about divorce is dangerous. A person is imagining being on their own and how freeing that might be. It shows creeping emotional detachment. I’ve learnt in my practice that it can be because someone is flirting with the idea of a split, or they’re unhappy and desperate for their partner to care, notice and hear them. Perhaps ten years on they divorce, because they were waiting to see if their discontentment passed, and it didn’t. If you’re nurturing an unhealthy fascination with divorce, you have a choice — you leave, or do nothing and keep fantasising. Ask yourself, “What exactly am I dreaming will change? If I stay, is it because I hope my relationship can improve?” People fear talking about this — but one way or another it gets them out of purgatory.

There’s excessive PDA but none in private

Twenty-five years in, overcompensating in public with lavish displays of affection, kissing, touching, and lap-sitting — making others uncomfortable — is performative closeness. It often hides deep disconnection. You don’t want friends to see what’s really going on, or you’re denying the issue to yourself. I ask clients, “Who are you trying to convince — yourself or others?” In a secure marriage signs of attraction are more subtle — the way you look at each other, or put your hand on your partner’s shoulder — it’s a secret language. It’s not cringeworthy to watch. When people act a part, there’s a marked contrast with how affectionate they are in private — and that’s the true state of the relationship. Regarding the PDA (public display of affection), few onlookers are fooled, or envious, as there’s something fake about long-marrieds being all over each other. We all know that 25 years in you can control yourself.

Good news: it’s hard, but you can pull back from the brink of separation

If they can learn to see and hear each other again, couples can pull back from the brink. But repairing an almost broken relationship is not for the faint-hearted. It requires emotional maturity, self-awareness, courage, persistence — and a belief that, despite all that’s happened, this person loves you and wants the best for you, and that you still love them. Individuals often ask in my practice, “Is this normal? Do you think we can come back from this?” They have the capacity to talk about their problems. But to repair a relationship you must talk to your partner about your issues — even though it’s painful and hard. Yet sometimes too much damage has been done to recover — too many lies, threats or cruelties, and the broken trust and bond between you is impossible to rebuild.

You chronically vent to friends but nothing changes

You endlessly complain about your partner to friends. They say, “That’s outrageous, you need to talk to them.” You don’t, nothing changes, and you keep moaning to your secretly weary friends. Chronic venting is a bad sign. It suggests to me that you feel hopeless. You’re airing your frustration rather than addressing it. Plus — whether because they want to support you or because they too have relationship frustrations — friends can reinforce resentment. Of course, the occasional grumble to a close friend if we’re annoyed with our beloved is not outlandish — but chronic venting, underpinned by extreme emotion, bodes ill for the long term. It tends to be about serious issues — being treated like a doormat, or feeling that you don’t matter. (Whereas, “He never picks up his towel/she leaves her teabags in the sink” — that’s par for the course.)

Successful couples argue — but it’s not about winning and losing

For the most part, when strong couples argue, their aim is to find a mutually helpful resolution. They want to be better understood — but also to understand. It’s a worrying sign if, when you row, one of you clearly wins and the other “loses”. When there’s competition and blaming, rather than co-operation between partners, conflict becomes a power game. Love can turn adversarial. And when that happens each partner is defending their ego rather than the relationship. Very often both partners want me to tell their spouse, “You’re wrong,” but I don’t do that. I say to couples, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be close?” There’s nothing in between. The disagreement shows how hurt you are. The question is, are you then prepared to listen to what caused the hurt? Issues in relationships aren’t resolved through “winning” arguments. They’re resolved through discussion and actively listening.

Be on guard for indifference creeping in

Indifference is the death of emotion. It’s not hate, but it’s apathy — it’s both a silent warning and a killer. One sign of it is if you can no longer be bothered to argue. If there are no more rows, there’s no more investment. I ask couples, “When did you stop caring enough to fight?” There are two ways relationships end. In one a partner is long-suffering, then walks away and doesn’t look back. In the other something happens that they can’t overcome — such as an infidelity — then they end the relationship and start grieving. They realise they’re in love with the person they thought their partner could be, but not who they are. They have to let go of the fantasy. When I see indifference on one side, it’s a 75-80 per cent certainty it’s over — if it’s on both sides, it’s divorce.

Does your hobby suck up the whole weekend? Ask yourself why

A suspicious number of people find all-consuming hobbies that consistently take them away from their partner for long stretches — as one London-based wife put it, every weekend her husband was commuting on his bicycle via the Lake District. For women it’s often a yoga or breathwork retreat. There’s a gaslighting element involved, as this seems like legitimate “me” time. But are you recharging for your relationship or retreating from it? It’s a sneaky ploy — as we understand that it’s healthy to have separate interests — but most people know exactly what they’re doing. It’s not fun at home, so they’re finding enjoyable pastimes far away to fill the emotional void. At first their partner might be relieved at the reprieve, but ultimately they feel rejected and their connection fades further. Some people genuinely enjoy cycling or yoga and are excited to come home — others are curating a whole other life to which their partner is not privy. It can be the prelude to separation.

You keep significant secrets from your partner…

Withholding small truths erodes trust just as much as, if not more than, one big betrayal. It shows deep disrespect. When your partner uncovers this and that and then something else — how can they ever know what’s what? You’re hiding your real self. Keeping secrets very often means there’s been a shift in allegiance, from the relationship to oneself. It isn’t about us any more, it’s about me. To gauge the state of their relationship, I ask each client separately, “What are you protecting by keeping secrets — your privacy or your distance?” Sharing every thought or worry would be oppressive — there’s a healthy degree of privacy and self-regulation in a successful marriage — but rarely letting your partner know what’s going on in your head creates distance. Or you don’t share as you don’t believe they’d understand, have the emotional maturity or be there for you. It’s a downhill trajectory.

…but you have a close confidant (the same sex as your spouse)

In my practice, when a woman married to a man has a confidant, it’s usually a he — and vice versa. They’ll insist that their colleague is just a friend. Then I ask, “Who really knows your inner life? Your partner or this person?” Most emotional affairs begin as innocent friendships. When you share more of yourself with someone other than your partner, the danger is that intimacy quietly migrates. (The exception can be if there’s a trusted friend who cares for your partner, and you’re honest about it.) But usually it’s a ball rolling slowly down a hill — perhaps your partner doesn’t listen, but this person listens, you feel interesting, they spend time and energy on you. Then hopping into bed is not far away. Both you and your spouse are culpable. Mutual input and investment is required unless you want a marriage to be like a boring, staid nine-to-five job. You need to be an entrepreneur in your relationship — contributing effort, creativity and enthusiasm — to keep thriving.

You rely on your partner to make you feel good

Finding the right person can help you feel secure, perhaps for the first time. In that sense love can promote healing. But if there’s healing to be done, you need to take responsibility for healing yourself — develop the self-awareness to understand what you struggle with and why, and, as we therapists say, “do the work” — so that your unexamined issues don’t rule your feelings and behaviour. When women want to be “rescued” and men look for validation, problems will occur down the line — it’s not a recipe for lasting happiness. When you don’t heal your own wounds and enter a relationship hoping the other person will soothe them, that’s not love — that’s a set-up for resentment. Ask, are you attracted to how they are, or to how they make you feel about yourself? The first is love. The second is getting someone to carry what you refuse to heal alone. No matter how deep the connection feels, it will be lost the moment they stop performing that role — and you’ll call them distant, toxic or cold.

The Place Retreats Bali can help you to build the strong relationship with your partner. Contact us today for a no obligation conversation. Or join us on one of our award-winning retreats in Bali.