Can a marriage recover after an affair? The therapist’s guide

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 01 October 2025.

Don’t be surprised if the kiss-cam CEO is back with his wife.
Jean-Claude Chalmet: “I believe many affairs happen out of resentment for the partner”

It could be a photo of any cosy middle-aged couple — they’re sitting on deckchairs on the beach, jumpers over their knees, sharing a picnic. She’s digging a sandwich out of their shell-patterned cool bag. He’s in sandals, she’s barefoot, legs casually crossed at the ankles. They seem to have the easy comfort of a long, loving relationship. And yet for this couple it’s been rocky — and practically the whole world saw it happen. For this is Andy Byron — he of the Coldplay concert kiss-cam scandal — and his wife Megan.

In July, in Boston, Massachusetts, Byron — then CEO of the data firm Astronomer — was caught on camera at the gig, his arms wrapped around the waist of a woman — Kristin Cabot, also married, and then his head of HR. The footage of them lurching away from the embrace as they realised they were being filmed went viral. Safe to say, this man’s betrayal of his wife got more coverage than the moon landings.

Megan assumed her maiden name and quit the marital home. A statement, allegedly from her, appeared on social media, ice cool and dignified — “I am not spiralling. I am ascending” — written, not “in heartbreak” but “in power”. And now, after unimaginable humiliation for him and, unfairly, for her, they appear to be back together.

How does that happen? How can you piece a marriage back together, after an affair, emotional or physical? Jean-Claude Chalmet, couples therapist and founder of The Place Retreats, Bali, explains what it takes for any couple faced with such a situation.

“I always ask, in the first session, ‘Do you think that you want this marriage to work? Do you think this is salvageable?’ A lot answer that they don’t know. But that they’ve come to a therapist means that, despite the betrayed person’s shock, anger and devastation, they want to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. I ask them, ‘Why do you want to stay in the marriage?’”

There needs to be a lot of conversation. “I’d advise that [it is] with a professional, or the risk of falling out or having a fight is extremely high. We try to look at what happened, what was lacking, what was too much. Where did the disconnection between the couple happen, and where did the desire for something more — that remained unspoken — arise?

“I believe many affairs happen out of resentment for the partner.” Layer upon layer of resentments — “like a millefeuille” — build when couples stop communicating. Chalmet asks his clients to identify that point. “In most cases couples know very well. They can tell me with surgical precision.”

If you understand where your relationship went off-track, it guides you towards knowing whether anything can be done to address it. “We can’t erase the past, but we can learn from it,” he says. He tells clients: “I’m not here to save your marriage. I’m here to help you decide what you want to do with it.”

Both partners require the courage and self-awareness to be honest and reflective about what led to this. “When there’s an affair, it’s rarely one-sided,” Chalmet says. “For the betrayed party, it’s very important to be able to look at what they might have contributed. I always say, ‘Did this happen in isolation? Do you have no part in it whatsoever?’”

Clearly, the cheater is wholly responsible for their decision to cheat. But, Chalmet says, “often something is lacking in the marriage. There’s no sharing, no communication, not a lot of time for ego stroking or equipment stroking. The message seems to be, ‘You’re not that important to me.’ Both people can feel very lonely in that relationship. Then somebody at work or the tennis club or yoga studio pays us attention.”

If both parties are willing to own their part in the situation and commit to change, their relationship can become stronger. If not? “It’s curtains.”

But how to re-establish trust when the person supposed to love you has lied and cheated? “Through communication, soothing, sharing, patience and understanding. And allowing the betrayed person to sometimes be very angry, sad, depressed about the situation.”

One can’t decide to forgive, but it’s facilitated if the affair-haver “shows full understanding of and contrition for the impact of what they did,” Chalmet says. “Take responsibility. That’s extremely important. Be accountable.”

Also, “can the party that has betrayed accept that they’ll be under the microscope for the next two to three years?” There needs to be total transparency from them, he adds. Don’t force your partner to “have to ask a million questions. Be upfront.”

But don’t get into “the nitty gritty”. Betrayed women often ask, “Was the other person better in bed than me?” Chalmet says. “It’s a huge mistake. It’s feeding your inner critic. You want to build confidence.”

And yet keep in mind that “the person that betrayed carries guilt and shame. I ask couples, ‘Is there anything you can do to alleviate those feelings?’ We’re not pretending it didn’t happen, but ask, ‘What can we learn from it?’” Neither person was having their needs met. “Now you have a chance to say what your needs are.”

Couples need the self-control to prevent affair-related resentment from bleeding into every row. “Assign an hour twice a week to talk about what happened, or five times a week — whatever is necessary,” Chalmet says. “But confine it to one room, or a walk in the park. Commit to being very honest with each other. This happened. How are we going to deal with it?”

As for sex — how to be intimate after what’s happened? “If there was a lot of love in the marriage but not a lot of lust, can it be rekindled?” Chalmet asks. Some couples are keen to get back into bed, stake their claim, “show their partners what they can do”. For others, the pain is too great, “and it takes time before sex can be initiated again”.

Either way, talk it over. “You might agree that when the partner who’s been betrayed is ready, a particular sign is given. ‘Shall we have a shower together? I feel like having a siesta this afternoon, will you join me?’”

It takes a lot of courage to rebuild a relationship after betrayal. From the person who cheated especially, it requires “consideration, respect, understanding, being the cheerleader, appreciation and gratitude”. Chalmet compares it to the Japanese art of kintsugi. “If the couple’s pot is broken, can we repair it with the gold of experience? It’s imperfect, but still gorgeously beautiful — and the more valuable for it.”

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