Can your relationship survive without alcohol?

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 09 January 2026.

If drink has become the third wheel in your marriage, therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet has some advice

We like to fool ourselves when it comes to alcohol. We know a large section of the population drinks too much, but it’s never us. Couples tell me in clinic, “We enjoy the finer things, a glass of good wine — or five.” Or that the prompt “we both deserve a drink” is a daily ritual. They’ll assure me, and each other, “at least we’re not as bad as so-and-so”.

But before we look at how much is “too much”, couples need to first identify the reasons why they drink and the function of alcohol in their relationship. It can be complicated, but if we want our habits and happiness to improve, that’s where it starts.

Is one of you drinking too much?

Sometimes one drink is too much. But for me, as a therapist, the most pressing questions are why and when you drink. Do you use alcohol to manage your emotions or cope with stress? Are you using it to avoid intimacy or conflict with your partner? What’s your motivation? If drinking is the only way you can connect or switch off, then you have a problem.

And I notice in the clinic that when both partners drink, it often becomes the default button for relaxing or bonding. One gets home from work and says, “Darling, join me in a glass to wind down?” It becomes a ritual. That, for me, needs a closer look. As for units, the amount of alcohol in a glass can be deceptive. And once a bottle is open, it can be a struggle not to finish it.

Are you normalising one another’s alcohol dependence?

If I point out that people are drinking a lot of units, I hear justifications such as “work is stressful” or “we just have a bottle or two with dinner” or “we’re not drinking rubbish”. People, especially in couples, can mask a dependency on alcohol by normalising the habit — and by sharing it. Neither drinks alone. They put out some olives, open a pomerol and call themselves foodies. The question I ask is, “Do either of you feel able to stop?”

If there is a reliance, people get defensive — “Why should we stop? We’re not drink-driving!” I also ask, “Would you support each other if one of you decided to stop?” Booze can feel like an easy way to bond until one day it’s no longer an option, it’s just what you do. We need to look at the underlying reasons why people enable others’ dependence — often it’s to enable their own.

In your relationship, what does Dry January shine a light on?

Dry January provides a wonderful opportunity to look at a couple’s routines, connection, how they manage conflict and whether any of this needs to involve alcohol. How much discomfort will they experience from abstinence? We can measure their emotional dependence. Thirty-one days without booze can reveal how you cope with not having alcohol. How will you handle stress, emotional discomfort, or difficulty? You don’t need to have a physical dependence on alcohol to have an emotional reliance — and that’s still an issue.

Many people use alcohol to balance their emotions, to calm themselves, to dull their anger — even though it can bring it out — to avoid conflict, to relax or to overcome a barrier that might stand in the way of physical intimacy.

Alcohol and sex — you might think it helps, but it doesn’t

Booze can reduce nerves or performance anxiety, but if you keep drinking, it will interfere with arousal, libido, orgasm quality, lubrication, performance and erections. It also blunts the emotional connection, responsiveness and the feedback loop that exists in sex. Sex can be amazingly bonding, but if you’re under the influence and all you’re looking for is an orgasm, that does little for either. Alcohol might increase lust, but it dulls desire. It will lessen sexual confidence and closeness. To deepen intimacy, you need to feel present and connected. If you can’t remember what happened the next morning, you only widen the distance between you.

When did you last have sober sex?

When people are young and dating, they might drink to reduce inhibitions. But it dulls our capacity to be present and our sensitivity, diminishing emotional connection. I ask couples, “When you need alcohol to have sex, can we consider what that is covering?” Is it anxiety about intimacy, worries about performance or not really wanting sex and needing alcohol to blunt the senses to make it possible?

Many couples find this confrontational, but my aim is to help them connect at a deeper level. What do they think sober sex would feel like? That question can clarify the fear. I might give them homework — to have sex without drinking. If they stick with it, they learn to know each other in a different way, which is more rewarding.

When one partner decides to give up alcohol, it can send shock waves through the marriage

If the role of alcohol in the relationship has been significant, it can deeply unsettle the marriage when one partner stops drinking. The other might fear that they’ll no longer be able to connect, socialise, have fun, or that the quitter’s personality will change. And if they can’t or don’t want to stop, unspoken questions include: “What does that say about me?” “Are they expecting me to quit?” “Will this change our relationship?” They can feel judged — then guilt can kick in, or even resentment.

If there’s silence and secrecy, it’s obviously not good for the relationship, and shame can grow. I say to clients that this shows there’s something that you haven’t talked about — and why not use this change as a doorway to a healthier, more honest dynamic?

How much is too much? You both have a glass (or two) after work most nights — is that OK?

A lot of couples tell me, “We drink moderately, we’re not alcoholics.” My response is, is it possible not to drink, or has it become a non-negotiable? Could you go without alcohol most nights and not feel irritation, tension, or disappointment?

We have to ask what role alcohol plays for you and in the relationship. Ask yourself if it is numbing emotional pain you can’t discuss with your partner. If your partner drinks their feelings instead of sharing them, do you mirror his or her behaviour and drink as well, to numb the sadness of not being able to talk about the distance between you? As I explain to clients, I just want you to be clear about what you are doing and why you are doing it. What is it about?

Do you both need to give up drinking if one of you decides to?

I’m often asked this in the clinic, and I compare it to both partners smoking and one giving up. Are you going to support your partner or not? I’ll say, “Perhaps the other partner could not drink at home.” And can you find other things to do together — at home and socially — that don’t involve alcohol? Cook together, work out together. If you habitually go to the pub on Friday night, could you change that? Go to a comedy night, perhaps, and do something else together that’s fun for both of you instead.

If a partner won’t make any concessions for the one who’s quit, it’s selfish. You’re potentially setting them up to fail. Your behaviour doesn’t need to be identical, but if you can’t show respect and empathy, that’s a problem. If you’re essentially undermining their efforts, it suggests you have a dependency problem yourself.

You think your partner drinks too much, but they disagree — what can you do?

Whatever amount your partner is drinking, don’t say “you drink too much” and don’t call them an alcoholic. No labels, please. This just induces guilt and shame, and the conversation will not end well. Instead, explain the impact it has on you. Talk about how it makes you feel, how it affects the relationship and your shared life.

All you can do is set boundaries around what you can and can’t live with. You might say, “I’m willing to accept that you drink when we go out, but if you drink at home, I’d rather it wasn’t more than two beers — after that, it feels as though you cut me off. It’s lonely.” Be honest. Tell your partner what you need to feel connected.

Do your partner’s friends have an effect on their drinking? What to do about it

Social environments shape behaviour. There are plenty of people old enough to know better for whom drinking signals being part of the group, and any member trying to stop will receive a hostile reception. If that’s the case, you might need to help your partner shift the emphasis of their social life. If your partner knows they’ll end up drinking in the pub, can they have the imagination and confidence to suggest to friends a switch of location and situation — play golf, tennis, football, meet for a swim, sauna or coffee?

Peer pressure can be fierce, but ultimately, to drink or not is your choice — what does it say about you that you feel obliged to follow others when it doesn’t suit you? What does it say about them if they all but force you? If you know what’s good for you, and your friends aren’t supporting you, reconsider your friendships. Partners should go carefully on this subject, though — avoid hectoring or being confrontational.

How to start the conversation if you think your partner drinks too much

A conversation about anyone’s problem drinking is very difficult. My first rule is, please don’t say a word either during or after drinking, and definitely not during a row.

Try to find a calm, neutral moment. Speak from your own experience and don’t diagnose the other person. Do try to be a little bit of a therapist, though, in staying curious. There should be no blaming. Do not become a prosecutor. Emphasise that you are trying to protect the relationship and you are thinking about what you both could do that’s better for you as a couple. Be self-aware, acknowledge the part you’ve played in this. You’re not staging an “intervention” — being brutal and blunt doesn’t work.

If it’s appropriate to suggest professional support, stress that you’re not saying this to diminish the other person but because you’d like to strengthen the relationship.