The divorced parents’ Christmas guide — by a therapist
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 12 December 2025.
Jean-Claude Chalmet shares the ground rules for giving your children a happy family Christmas
Divorced parents often worry so much and think so carefully about how they can make Christmas happy for their kids that they end up having a better festive season than most of their married friends. Increasingly — certainly among clients of mine — ex-partners decide to spend at least part of the day together rather than do alternate years with the children. As I advise my clients: yes the couple have separated, but the family continues. You make that a reality by how you behave.
Understanding why you are spending this day together, despite having split, is key to its success. You are aligned in wanting to create a wonderful Christmas and joyful memories for your children. If you have clear intentions — and have agreed on tricky details, from whether you two will exchange gifts to topics you won’t talk about — there will be less anxiety and no false expectations for the adults or the kids. Here’s what you need to know.
Buy a joint present for the kids
Aim to be shining examples for your children on how to navigate conflict and difficult situations, because they’ll remember and learn. Plus, if you are immature or petty, they’ll feel responsible for keeping the peace.
My first rule: don’t compete in any way, even if there’s underlying resentment. It’s not fair to the children. So try to agree on a joint present, or that you’ll spend the same. You might ask the kids what they’d like, choose from the list and share the cost. Otherwise, one parent buys a T-shirt, the other a trip to Disneyland.
our kids are caught in the crossfire of your one-upmanship. They know the other parent is sad, embarrassed, angry, or feels guilt or shame. They don’t know how to react; they have to pretend and monitor the adults’ emotions. Just don’t claim you splashed out “for the kids”. It’s horribly selfish.
Involve the kids in your festive decisions and manage their expectations
These days, many ex-couples spend Christmas Day together rather than alternating, because they’ve consciously decided to put their kids first.
Depending on their ages, I advise having a one-to-one chat with each child before Christmas to see what they expect and want from it, and work from there. Or you might tell your ten-year-old, “We both adore you and love you to bits, so we want to spend Christmas together as a family. Would you like that? We’re not getting back together, but we get on well, and it will be fun.” They will be on tenterhooks too. There’ll be apprehension. But when children have clarity, they feel more emotionally safe. If they’re left to guess, they’ll be on alert all day for signs of rapprochement.
Ask yourself this before deciding to share the day
If you can’t be nice to one another, a shared Christmas will be tense, miserable and counterproductive. Many parents bravely attempt to be more emotionally evolved and do the big day together because it’s what the children want.
They think it went well, but what I hear in my practice is that there’s been passive aggression and repressed anger. They believe the kids didn’t notice — but children are sensitive, and they certainly do notice, even if you weren’t openly arguing. So before you commit, ask yourself, “If he or she says or does something that makes me feel deeply emotional, will I be able to calm myself, stay level, and not react?”
Trust your gut feeling. You know what you can tolerate. Don’t expose your kids to a quarrel-filled day. Your decision should be one that makes them happy, not wretched.
If you’re spending the day together, it’s best to avoid alcohol
You are parents, caretakers, and this day isn’t about you. There are three requisites. Are you able to be an adult? Are you prepared to be a good parent? Can you allow it to be all about the kids?
So if you’re spending the day as a family, I’d recommend that you put them first and avoid alcohol. Even one glass softens resolve, changes behaviour and casts a haze. It’s the gateway to slackening standards. It loosens the tongue, triggers unfiltered emotion and dulls good sense. If there’s still affection (even lust) between you and your ex, booze makes flirting or worse more likely and gives the kids false hope or confusion. If there’s sadness, it raises the chance of tears; if there’s anger, it boosts the possibility of a row. Vow to keep it U-certificate. Your kids will look back when they’re older and feel proud of you.
Have a plan in place for if you feel overwhelmed
Ask yourself in advance, what feelings will this day bring up? Even if you feel good and content with the split, one can be unexpectedly felled by memories of Christmases past. You might feel melancholic or depressed, especially if it was an unhappy separation, or a longing for times past. There might be moments of guilt, shame, anger, hurt or anxiety. Are you prepared? And what will you do with yourself? Will you go to the bathroom and gather yourself? Will you splash your face with cold water, text a dear friend, or go outside for five minutes?
I had one client who went to church alone, partially for a breather. How will you soothe and compose yourself when that wave of emotion hits? Because if you can’t, you’ll react badly, offload on your ex, and your kids will carry the burden.
Know what you want, and you’ll have a better Christmas than most couples
Know your goal. It’s to create a peaceful, warm Christmas for the kids and to make them feel loved and secure. So you need to be in charge of yourselves. Be self-aware. Mind your body language — no sitting cross-armed and hunched. Aim to keep friendly, neutral, as relaxed and natural as possible, and if you’re better at this than your ex, be generous and compassionate. Agree in advance on what topics are off limits and what you’d like the atmosphere of the day to be. I’d hope for it to be kind, peaceful and light if possible. Ban talk about the relationships you’re in or out of, and don’t revisit old rows — or criticise, whether that’s former in-laws or the turkey. Tongue-biting is an art. Remind yourselves, “We’re not celebrating Christmas as ex-partners, but as two adults who want to give their kids the best possible day.”
You don’t have to spend the whole day together
I say to clients that if emotional tension is high, don’t linger. Don’t spend two entire days together — resentments are more likely to emerge as the old marriage dynamic rears its ugly head.
You might decide to spend Christmas Eve evening under the same roof so that the kids can wake up with you both there if they are small. But ensure they know the plan and the situation — for example, that Mum or Dad is going home at bedtime, or after lunch — to avoid shock or confusion. For similar reasons, I don’t think a child should come into the bedroom on Christmas morning and find both parents in the same bed (you’d be surprised how often this happens).
If Christmas together will be too tense, just see a show
If celebrating Christmas together at home is likely to be tense and upsetting, going to see a show together instead on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day is a great option if funds allow.
Meet at the theatre, and the talk will be limited. Or go to the cinema as a family (just pick your movie with care). Dining in a restaurant might be worth the expense if it means there’s less chance of friction. The presence of other people can provide a buffer zone, but they need to be a neutral and jolly presence. One client invited her mother-in-law, who asked her, “How could you possibly have lost him? What did you do?”
When adults can’t manage their behaviour, their kids suffer
One couple in my practice would hand over the kids at a motorway service station on Christmas Day, at a midpoint between the exes’ homes. It didn’t dawn that this “neutral territory” was soulless, cold, strange and frightening for their children.
While parents these days are more aware of the emotional repercussions of witless behaviour on their kids, I still see clients who’ll do anything to avoid a situation that feels intensely painful because of what they’ve been through with their ex. But to secure their own emotional safety, they sacrifice the emotional safety of their children. If it’s early days and you feel so raw, angry or grief-stricken that you can’t convincingly manage a few civil moments on the doorstep, let alone share the day, I advise enlisting the help of a third person so there’s less friction. You might say, “Just at the moment, I’m not getting on well with Dad, but Grandma would love to see him, so she’ll take you.”
This is really not the time to force blended families or new partners on kids
Until the kids are 18 — and often much older — if they want their parents to spend Christmas with them, that’s what their parents should do. So consult your children and be guided by them. If you’re both single and there’s no bad blood, it’s relatively straightforward.
How to manage if you are not? The new partner is not part of your family nucleus. In the future, perhaps, everyone will soften and get along charmingly. But if you force a new partner into the mix too soon — let alone their kids — it’s like smoking in a fireworks factory. There’s going to be an explosion. If a parent is desperate to see their new beau on Christmas Day, meet after the kids and ex-partner go home. If the kids live with you, I advise that you wait until Boxing Day. However, adults can be very selfish.
If you’re home alone with the kids at Christmas, don’t pressure them, even if you’re over-excited
If you’re going it alone, especially if it’s the first time, it’s likely you’ll want to make it more special and perfect than normal to compensate for any pain the kids have felt over the divorce. It’s natural to want to make a huge effort, but my advice is to be measured.
Manage your own expectations so your kids don’t feel pressured. It’s likely that you will have a great day, but allow them their mixed emotions — to miss the other parent, be angry, to mourn what’s happened, to feel quiet. Allow all feelings, and they will pass. It’s when you react against perfectly normal emotions that kids hold onto them.
Most of all, I wish you joy.
