How to break a sex stalemate: the therapist’s 10-point plan

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 27th June 2025.

Is it rare or non-existent in your marriage? There is a way back, says Jean-Claude Chalmet

You love each other — you really, really do — but sex is rare, or non-existent. No one’s happy, but no one’s making the first move. This sounds like sexual stalemate. This is not the same as a benign sexual dry patch in your marriage, which can be the collateral damage of work stress, the kids’ exams, even flu, when the attitude is, “Just let’s deal with this, darling, then I’m up for it.” A sexual stalemate is a holistic intimacy issue. You’re not connecting in the sitting room or the bedroom and you’re both quietly angry and resentful.

If it’s any consolation, sexual stalemate is common in long-term relationships. It’s tough living with another human being for years and years, a challenge to keep loving and desiring each other. It requires work and there are many pitfalls. It’s easy to forget what the other person needs, to get complacent, grow thoughtless, inflict hurt, be tit-for-tat selfish, cold or shut down to protect yourselves. It sounds like a marriage-killer — and it can be. But if you actually love each other, I believe there’s a way to end the impasse. Here are the moves to make.

No, this doesn’t mean the end of the marriage

Sexual stalemate doesn’t mean the marriage is over — I’ve seen many couples come back from it. That happens when they learn to listen to each other’s needs. To end a stand-off, uncover what it is your partner actually wants from you. With one couple in my clinic, the wife felt constantly pressured into sex by her husband. If she said she wasn’t in the mood he would sulk. She resented his attempts to make her feel guilty. She felt as if it wasn’t her he wanted, just sexual relief. His behaviour and attitude made her feel as if her needs were irrelevant to him — and even more inclined to reject his advances.

That breakdown of trust meant that even if he paid her a compliment, she assumed an ulterior motive and responded coolly. If you always assume the worst of each other, a stalemate will hold. He felt deeply hurt at what he saw as her rejection of him — and showed his hurt as anger, frustration and passive aggression: turning up late for dinner with her friends, for example. It became a power struggle. I had to help them understand each other and to see that if you want consideration, you have to give it. Then feelings soften, people feel more willing to compromise and the stalemate is broken.

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Physical attraction can go off the boil in the strongest of relationships — are you doing enough to maintain it?

None of us feel pure animal lust towards our partner after decades — but satisfied couples find ways to excite desire and feel love, use imagination, become creative and fan sparks into flame. We’re all ageing, if we’re lucky. If your partner looks after their appearance and health, most people are grateful — unless there’s some deeper relationship issue or they’re immature (eg I’m allowed to age, you’re not!). Frankly, if you feel OK in your own skin, make each other laugh, can show each other a good time, no one is complaining.

What creates a sexual stalemate is making no effort yet expecting your partner to oblige regardless. It’s disrespectful. While body odour and bad breath are innately repellent, they signal a deeper issue for your partner to guess at: are you unhappy with the relationship, or merely unhappy? That can perhaps be addressed if there’s trust, and you can talk to find out what’s wrong. Sometimes it’s a silent, defiant message. Then it’s hard to care — when someone’s being unpleasant we often go into defensive mode and make sure we’re “asleep” when our partner comes to bed.

Does your partner think you’re taking them for granted?

Sexual stalemate is fed by bad feeling. If there’s no bad feeling, a playful grab can lead to something, and that dry patch is no more (quite the opposite). But with sexual stalemate the issue is more profound. You’ve lost the excitement of being with your partner, and your attention and energy are elsewhere. An indifference that your partner can sense may set in. That’s why, if the mood takes you, they assume it’s nothing to do with them and lurch away. Your relationship can begin to feel transactional, never playful.

Recognise it as the danger point. People who take their spouse for granted tell themselves that after all this time boredom is inevitable, but their attitude makes that happen. I’ve seen couples who say that when they’re alone, it’s as if a switch turns off and their partner becomes inanimate. If they come to therapy as a couple, that person is often intractable, expecting that I will force their partner to change. But we can’t change others, we can only change how we treat them. A relationship needs water, air, sun — energy, attention, nurturing from within. If you’ve taken your partner for granted, forget about sex. As long as that’s your only goal, you won’t get it. Prioritise listening and paying attention.

You need to reconnect — work on having a ‘low-key’ good time together

Stalemate comes from disconnection, and not always because every evening is spent inert on different screens. Perhaps you’re a busy, successful, outward-facing couple, forever networking or socialising with intent. But no one’s shifting to the centre of the bed. Truly successful couples keep a presence in each other’s lives. They touch each other — physically and mentally. They keep a thread going that says, “I want you, I need you, I desire you.” And that connection is lived in the kitchen and sitting room, in the detail of the every day. It’s buying a bar of the overhyped Dubai chocolate (just to try together, silly as it is). It’s a walk together at 9pm, even though one of you is knackered, to escape the teenagers. Or one of you booking tickets for that local play and the pleasure of it being surprisingly good — or “God that was awful!” Those small moments add up to something powerful.

• How to keep your marriage hot: the relationship therapist’s 11 rules

How to head off stalemate if it feels imminent

Sex and what we want from it involves being intimate, vulnerable, exposed. If your relationship gets too formulaic — sitting on the sofa on screens every night, your main talk about the kids and chores and bills, no fond gestures or touching, no laughing — it becomes harder to switch into bedroom mode. Frankly, with that joyless routine, who would bother? Once, you giggled and whispered under the sheets about what you would like to do to each other; now that is unlikely. If even the thought of it makes you feel cringey, stalemate is close.

A surprisingly sour stalemate can set in if we don’t take action. Forget sex, work on everything else. Shake off your apathy. Put down your phone. Ask about their day. Book cinema tickets. Get them that book they said they would like to read. We do need to be able to tell our partner what turns us on — but that comes later. We expect to work at our career, health, friendships — sex and love are no different, especially 20 years in. If your marriage has slipped into dullness but essentially just needs fertiliser, some effort, thought and attention works miracles. Then you feel safe enough to drop your defences and dare to say what you really feel and want, in and out of the bedroom.

One of you has “low desire”? You’re both responsible

Your stand-off may occur because the sex isn’t up to much and one of you (typically the woman, among couples I have worked with) has low desire for bad sex. Both partners bear some responsibility, though. If the woman is too scared to divulge what she desires, she doesn’t get what she wants then feels resentful — and distance builds. But often the man isn’t willing to take a critical look at his own attitude and performance, so he lazily labels her as having a “low libido”, shaming her and refusing to own his sorry part. Of course, this blame-thrower can be the woman, but in my experience in clinic it’s usually the man. The partner knows it’s meant as an insult and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Of course, a woman can also be frustrated with her husband outside the bedroom. You’re not bad in bed, men, you’re bad in the relationship. If you don’t bother to connect by day, there’ll be no connection by night. (Again, women can be guilty of this too.) Get the balance right.

Sexual stalemate is also common in couples joined at the hip — therapists call it “enmeshment” — where they’re so close, they’ve merged. It’s insecurity, desperation, disbelief that you’ll be loved for who you are. But it’s inauthentic and kills desire. Only spending more time apart, daring to disagree and asserting your individuality can reignite a spark.

Don’t compare yourself with your single, divorced or dating friends

You’re hearing juicy tales of new, sensational sex lives and while you’re pleased for your friends, there’s also a niggle of gloom if at home there’s a stand-off in the bedroom. You’re not talking, just second-guessing each other, assuming the worst. It’s one of the most dangerous things I see in couples — one starts to believe that they know what the other is thinking and feeling. Meanwhile, your friends are sharing wildly sexy snippets. First, trust that you’re only getting the edited highlights. In part, they’re telling you what they believe and want to be true. As a good friend, allow them that. Post-divorce, they deserve fun, to brag a little and to rediscover themselves.

Be their cheerleader but remember too that no good comes of comparing yourself with others. Instead of peeping enviously into friends’ lives and feeling insecure, turn that focus and imagination onto your own relationship. It’s not only after divorce that we need to pay attention to ourselves and how we relate to others. Look inward, not outwards, to work out what you want to improve in your marriage, and how you can play your part. Recognise what you have rather than copy or covet. If just one dating tale can make you appreciate your partner, that’s your starting point. Notice the good, be curious. What is going on for them? Midlife issues, stress at work? Could that be why sex is no-go? Excise the blame and support them, and you might get somewhere.

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You can’t just start having sex (or can you?)

If you’ve stopped holding hands, hugging and kissing, your intimacy problem isn’t just physical. Casual affection reflects our interest in our partner. An absence of touch is pointed rejection. Sexual stalemate results because both people feel hurt, isolated, unsafe, rather than physically and emotionally supported. It’s why for a lot of couples, their biggest task is to rebuild trust outside the bedroom. This entails being able to say what you need, with the confidence that those needs, if reasonable, will be met and respected. It’s doing the same for your partner, and wanting to. Though sometimes you need a thunderbolt to end a stalemate. I’ve told couples, “You can’t have sex for six months.” They leave the therapy room and have sex. It’s the difference between voluntary and imposed abstinence. They realise that they’re risking their marriage — and what they’ve missed.

How to begin that awkward conversation

It’s so hard to talk about sex problems, especially if it’s not happening and we’re in deadlock because we’re afraid of explicit rejection or abandonment. But by not talking, that will inevitably happen. If you don’t want stalemate to exhaust the marriage, start talking. But do it without blaming or accusing. Watch your volume and tone. Be caring and loving, but firm. We’re too ready to show our anger. We get a better response when we admit we’re hurt.

Say, “There’s something troubling me — I’d like to see what you think.” You can add, “This is really difficult and I’m scared.” Or, “I’m raising it because I believe both of us would like to change this — do you also want something different?” And, “I miss you. I’d love it if we …” One person must take a courageous first step to break the stalemate. It’s a risk, but there’s a point when you’ll lose if you don’t. Ask questions and listen without interrupting or arguing or advising. Hear to understand and be responsive to what’s being asked of you. When you learn to connect again, defences tumble.

Stalemate doesn’t mean your partner’s having an affair (but don’t rule it out)

If sexual stalemate is longstanding, you might worry that your partner is cheating. Sometimes it’s a gut feeling that your spouse is playing away (in my experience, unless both are indifferent, the betrayed person often senses it). Or it might be the realisation that they’re drifting, it’s a situation that you’ve both contributed to and you want to stop the rot. If a client were to confess this fear, I would suggest they consider what their partner would be looking for outside the marriage. Would it be possible to work on that? But if you genuinely suspect an affair — ask.

What if your partner admits guilt? People who have affairs often tell me in clinic, “I asked for what I needed in my relationship, I intimated it, I even shouted it, but my spouse wasn’t hearing me. In the end I understood that they weren’t willing or capable of giving me what I needed and I found it elsewhere.” Sometimes an affair signals that the relationship is dead (with sexual stalemate another sign), but not always. Most people who have affairs don’t leave their partner to marry that person. If what was lacking in their primary relationship changed, they’d continue that relationship, should their partner still wish it. But rebuilding trust is a long, difficult task.

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