The 53 mistakes top lifestyle experts say we all make
Expert Advice on “Relationships” from Jean-Claude Chalmet, founder of The Place Retreats as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 05th April 2025.
Three common complaints from women I hear about in my clinic:
1. Men letting themselves go
Husbands might not like to hear this but it’s true. Physical attraction matters even after a long marriage. Why would she want to get up close and personal with a man with a pot belly, bad teeth and untended nose hair? There’s arrogance and entitlement in neglecting your appearance. It’s not about being catwalk-ready, just making an effort. I’m sure many of these men manage to spruce up if they are going out with their work team. Not bothering makes your partner feel you no longer care about impressing her.
2. Men instantly offer a solution when she confides a problem
The solution to this complaint is not offering a solution unless she explicitly asks you for one. Read on carefully: women just want men to listen. What she’s looking for is connection. She wants to feel heard and understood by you. Launching into a torrent of advice or instruction the second her mouth stops moving — or, worse, before — actually makes her feel desperately lonely. Be responsive to how she’s feeling. Just be present. If you genuinely have no idea what she wants ask: “What it is that you need from me? What would help?”
3. The man isn’t involved in family life
When you don’t participate in family life, your relationship becomes like that of CEO and PA. She’s doing all the emotional heavy lifting, he’s just telling her what to do. Women are understandably sensitive to ingratitude for what they do. Ask yourself: “What’s my contribution, apart from being the bigger earner?” Make headspace for your family and partner. Share the mental load — why should she be the only one remembering World Book Day?
• 13 secrets of happy couples, by the therapist who knows
Three things men complain about:
1. Women often expect men to read their minds
Assuming that your husband will intuitively know what you want for your birthday, then sulking because he got it wrong, isn’t fair. The situation is frustrating for both of you but he can’t do better unless you communicates clearly. That means you need to explain what you need or want directly and respectfully, rather than (dare I say, childishly) expecting him to read your mind. He should be willing to listen and be more curious — even start the conversation. “To be honest, I don’t know what you want but I want to listen and learn — can you help me?”
2. It’s a cliché but the ‘nagging’ tone comes up a lot
Sometimes the words don’t matter. It’s often the tone that expresses “you’re not good enough”. And that’s very painful. So if he seems to overreact to your mildest critique, it may be that he’s long had a sense of not feeling good enough and can’t bear to hear it again. Be careful of your tone. It’s easy to sound exasperated or accusatory. Before raising something think, “Is it kind, true, and necessary?”
3. Men in long-term relationships often say they want more sex
When you get in that headspace of “I’m not getting enough sex from my partner”, you’re thinking entirely about you, not her and what she wants, and that’s counterproductive.If men spent more time making their partner feel valued, wanted, appreciated and sexy, they’d have a lot more sex in their lives. It’s surprising how many men don’t understand that how they treat their partner outside the bedroom has some bearing on “getting” sex (or not). Are you an attractive proposition for her? I suggest working on that in your quest for sex and then you’ll have a lot more of it.
The Place offers couples retreats where couples have the opportunity to fully express themselves and communicate their needs in a safe space. If you think you’re ready to take the initial step, then please get in touch. We’d love to help.
