The five arguments all couples need to have

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 05th June 2025.

Rows aren’t always bad for relationships, says therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet. Here’s how to address the most common conflicts, from sex to money

How a couple argues speaks volumes about their relationship. Some never exchange a cross word, while others fight viciously. Both these ways of communicating harm their connection. If there’s zero conflict, at least one person isn’t expressing their needs. But if, when your partner dares to disagree, you become critical, contemptuous and defensive, you’ll quickly exhaust their love.

Yet conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. With the right approach, a row can be constructive, essential, an asset to the health of any relationship. The goal is always to become closer, to better understand each other, and to work together — rather than to win. Here are the ingredients you need to argue productively and well — and to deepen and strengthen your relationship.

‘Why aren’t we having more sex?’ The clarifying argument

A clarifying argument is one that improves understanding — for both of you — of your partner’s perspectives, needs and feelings. As I tell clients: “The aim is to build empathy, emotional trust and a sense of safety. For that, you need to create an atmosphere where you’re able to talk about anything, including sex.” Often in a row, we’re so keen to broadcast our side, we don’t care what the other person is trying to communicate.

It’s important that either partner is able to say, “This is why I felt hurt by you” or “I don’t want full sex” or “I need more time to be turned on” and that the other is open to hearing that — even if it’s difficult. Nothing gets clarified if you’re defensive. A clarifying argument involves asking questions, really listening to what your partner is telling you, and if you’re unclear on what they want, asking for more detail.

Clarifying rows don’t just apply to sex, of course. The “You’re driving too fast” — “No, I’m not” row is one of those vague, non-specific couple’s arguments that leaves both frustrated and irritated. It could be transformational if there was clarification, if instead, the person said, “I feel scared at this speed. Can you help me feel less scared?”

‘Can we talk about money?’ The problem-solving argument

At my practice, I see many couples with opposite views about finances and household chores. These problems are recurring, so if you never solve these regular, cyclic disagreements, it creates resentment, which is corrosive and eventually causes the death of any relationship.

It’s tough because money, for example, elicits strong emotions. Our attitudes towards it are shaped by our experiences, which influence how we act, how willing we are to compromise, or to see the other’s viewpoint. One of my clients was frugal (in her teens her well-off family had lost money and status) while her husband was extravagant (he’d never had money, didn’t feel he deserved to hold on to it). His spending made her feel unsafe, angry and fearful.

A problem-solving row entails both partners feeling heard and listened to. Try to remember the three Cs: communication, consideration, compromise. There must be goodwill and teamwork. Key questions to ask include: “What did you learn in your family of origin about money?” “How was it talked about?” Learn about and understand each other’s flashpoints. Then plan a series of chats. You might say, “I know this is a difficult subject for you, but can we try to discuss it? We don’t need to make a decision instantly.”

The subject of chores also elicits extreme emotions, partly because the division of labour can feel symbolic of how one is treated in the relationship. Nobody likes to take out the bins, but someone has to do it. Do you take turns?

Neither being furious — “I’m not your servant! Stop leaving your clothes on the floor!” — nor passive aggressive, leaving that underwear to fester where it fell, will work as approaches. Both build resentment. A productive, problem-solving row starts with “I feel” because no one can tell you how you feel. “I feel disrespected by how you expect me to pick up after you. Is this really your intention?”

‘Why are you always late?’ The boundary-setting argument

Boundary setting is when we convey our personal limits — our need for time alone, for example; or what behaviour is acceptable to us; or how we will handle conflict with the in-laws. Essentially, it’s about determining how we foster mutual respect and safety in the relationship. The one I see most in my office is one partner always being late.

People find it hard to stick up for themselves ― they want peace, harmony, no conflict.

But if you don’t set boundaries, relationships are fraught with conflict. You need to make it clear how you expect to be treated, what you won’t tolerate. Resentment at not getting what you need will lead to an explosion, and destructive exchanges. “Shut up for one second, can’t you!” Or “I got tired of waiting, so enjoy dining out alone.” But disagreements can be constructive. You might say, “Can we talk about me having time alone? This is what I need, it keeps me on an even keel.”

If we can set boundaries firmly but without blame or shame, a beautiful exchange can happen. Say, for example, that his parents often turn up unannounced. He’s fine with it, but you prefer a call beforehand to check it’s convenient. Instead of having a row about “Your bloody parents” it would be much better to explain, “It’s great to see them — when planned.” You’re respectful, he understands, and talks to them. You feel valued and it strengthens your connection. There’s warmth and gratitude. Whereas if your partner feels hurt because you insulted his parents it creates emotional distance.

‘You’re putting too much pressure on the kids!’ The values-based argument

It’s very important that couples discuss their priorities, values and core beliefs, especially if there are differences, which there inevitably are. Parenting features heavily here: what education you’ll give your children, what religion you’ll bring them up as and how you’ll parent.

I see this in my practice all the time. One parent is bullish about their child being a high-achiever. There are disagreements over schools, results, career path — and it causes dissent within the couple, and great anxiety for the child. Usually one parent gives in to preserve the peace. But beneath the surface, there’s resentment, misery and rage. Either it simmers on, corroding the relationship, or there’s an explosion. “What the hell’s wrong with you? The pressure you put on our son is literally making him depressed.”

Parents need to align their values — usually through compromise — so that the child doesn’t feel like a piggy in the middle, responsible for their fights. To resolve this kind of values-based difference productively, the parent who can see what’s happening should approach it gently. “There’s a possibility that trying to live up to these high expectations is making our child anxious. You’re set on her being a lawyer, but she has told me she doesn’t want that.”

In clinic, I’m direct. I might ask the pushy parent, “Do you realise what you’re doing to your child? They are fragile, need a lot of love, affection, nurturing, explaining, holding.” Good questions to ask are, “What was your own upbringing like? What were your parents’ expectations? Were you happy?” Often the answer to the latter is “No”. It can prompt the realisation that they’re repeating the pattern.

‘We never have fun any more’ The growth-oriented argument

This type of row relates to personal or relational improvement. What if you realise in midlife that you want different things? Often, the feeling is, “I want to have fun, experience joy, I want to live, why don’t you?” Have you grown apart? It may be that one person is depressed, or scared of letting go — or simply that they’re less outgoing than their partner. This row often begins with,“You’re so boring/you never want to do anything.” Telling your partner that they don’t interest you leads nowhere good.

• Is your marriage a bit boring? Here’s why that’s a good thing

We can strengthen our relationship if we’re prepared to adapt and venture beyond our comfort zone. You could say, “Maybe what I’m doing is too much for you, but for me, this is too little — is there a way of forging something that suits us both?” One client was travelling for work, and said to his wife, “I’d really like you to come with me.” She was reluctant but decided to go, and enjoy it, because he said, “Let’s have an adventure,” and she saw the value of that. That’s what we call growth.

When you are able to constructively work on growth, it fortifies and strengthens the relationship. Discuss your aims, your dreams, goals and where you’d like to be in ten years.

The Place offers couples retreats where couples have the opportunity to fully express themselves and communicate their needs in a safe space. If you think you’re ready to take the initial step, then please get in touch. We’d love to help.