The midlife men’s guide to therapy — the signs you need help

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 24 October 2025.

Persistently feeling off, unmotivated, anxious or angry? You don’t need a crisis or a ‘big’ reason to seek help says therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet

When the five-times Olympian champion Bradley Wiggins spoke recently about going to therapy, he did his fellow men a great favour. Seeking therapy is to admit to yourself that you matter. That’s often hard for men. Whether they’re struggling with deep trauma or just a quiet sense of ennui, many feel guilty for not being able to “just get on with it”. They believe the cold-hearted myth that real men should suck up their pain and suffer alone.

Seeking therapy is to recognise that no man deserves to exist day-to-day in misery or despair — you deserve to feel supported, to feel joy again, to thrive. Seeking therapy is to understand that your persistent sadness, anxiety or anger, your emotional distance from those you love, your daily desire to escape from your own mind in drink or drugs, are signs that change is necessary and you need help to achieve it. And it’s the hope that in making sense of the feelings or behaviours that darken your existence and damage your relationships, they can and will shift.

The signs that you may benefit can be subtle

You don’t need a crisis or a “big” reason to seek therapy. If you feel that your emotional or mental state is negatively affecting your work, relationships, family or sense of self, that’s more than enough reason to consider it. Or if you notice that you are persistently feeling off, unmotivated, anxious or, and this is very common with men, angry for no clear reason, that suggests there’s something deeper going on.

You can’t rely on your friends or partner to be your therapist

Loved ones can listen and be supportive, but they can be too close to the problem. Plus, if you expect your partner to carry your emotional load it very often damages the relationship. A therapist offers you professional distance. We look in from the outside. We are trained to look at behavioural patterns and may explore what you did to survive in childhood, because that can become maladaptive behaviour in adulthood. For example, you may have learnt to be the peacekeeper, the people pleaser, or you may have learnt to numb any sadness or anxiety.

Therapy is a space for you to help you better understand yourself and your needs. You are not emotionally responsible for your therapist, so you don’t have to worry about upsetting or offending them, or that they’ll be shocked or upset. You don’t have to hold back. You can be as honest as you can allow yourself to be, free from guilt, expectations or judgment.

You have to like them (treat your first encounter as a job interview — for them)

When choosing a therapist, chemistry matters. You need to feel safe and comfortable. It’s important to interview them (although note that they’re interviewing you too) to assess whether you can work together. Can they actually help with the issues you have? Is their expertise suitable? You might ask, “How do you usually work with someone dealing with this? What’s your approach? Are you more practical and solution-focused, or are you more about exploring my past, my present, and seeing how it all connects?” Is the therapy they practise CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)? Is it psychodynamic? Read up a little on what kind of therapy could be most helpful. And whether you choose a male or female therapist may depend on the issue you want to deal with. Many men wouldn’t be comfortable discussing erectile dysfunction with a woman, for example.

It’s crucial to change therapists if it doesn’t feel right for you. And if you fear it may go on for ever? Ask, “Do you do a review after six or ten sessions to see where we are?” You have a right, if you don’t feel you’re being helped, to end the therapy.

Therapy isn’t just for depression

Men often assume that therapy is only for depression. This is far from true. Fear of commitment, burnout, overworking, drinking and compulsive habits such as porn, gaming or obsessively exercising can be signs of an underlying issue or malaise. If you’re spending hours and hours in the gym every day, or finding excuses to always stay late at the office, why is that? I often say to men, “If you feel stuck, flat or disconnected, therapy can help you get moving again.”

What kind of therapy you need can depend on the reason you’re coming for. If there are longstanding issues — for instance, “I’ve been depressed for the past 25 years” — we may have to work psychodynamically: exploring your past and unconscious mind to understand where it’s come from. If it’s more, “In the past six months I’ve felt unmotivated”, it’s a very different treatment; more solution-focused.

When to say goodbye and find someone new

If the therapist dominates the session, talks largely about themselves, or if they make you feel small, then it’s a goodbye from you. The same goes if they push you too hard or too fast without ensuring that you feel emotionally safe. Trust your gut. Therapy is often emotionally discomfiting, even painful — most therapists place a box of tissues within their client’s reach — but that discomfort should help you to grow. If it feels scarily disturbing or uncontrolled, get the hell out. A good therapist helps you to navigate difficulties safely and, if you’re revisiting old wounds, doesn’t retraumatise you.

Also, a good therapist is not prescriptive. We’re supposed to help people understand their patterns, not manage symptoms. We’re teaching you how to fish, not giving you a fish. We have the delicate task of trying to empathise with and support the person sitting in front of us, but also challenge them, to help them make sense of their experiences.

How do I know if it’s working?

If you leave a therapy session feeling lighter, clearer and more self-aware, that’s a good sign. A caring therapist observes you continuously and your experience matters to them. We notice whether you are feeling emotional, fearful, whether you’re comfortable. We observe the signs of how at ease you are, and we inquire compassionately.

It’s essential for both therapist and client to understand your goal. Your reactions and behaviours are blighting your relationships, friendships and career, and understanding why and how to change that will help you feel freer, be more open, and live a more contented life.

More and more men are going — it’s not ‘weird’

It’s becoming much more common for men to seek therapy — executives, athletes, teachers, lorry drivers. I see midlife men in my clinic, 70-year-olds, teenage boys and twentysomethings. Emotional literacy and maturity is a strength, not a weakness. If you go to the gym for your body, why wouldn’t you give your mind a regular workout?

• Why more middle-aged men are going to therapy

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re broken or defective. It makes you responsible and courageous. Some men still think therapy is “an indulgence”, to which I’d say, “If you think that looking after yourself is an indulgence, then you definitely need to go to therapy.”

If you’re ready to learn more, reach out to The Place Retreats for your free 15-minute consultation. Let us design atailor-made mental health retreat to rediscover yourself. You don’t have to do this alone.