The 11 (yes, 11) types of sex that married couples need
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 06 February 2026.
Not every encounter has to involve swinging from the chandeliers, says the therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet, but it’s key to staying connected.
The joy of sex is that it can be many things in a long-term relationship — it can strengthen your bond, soothe and reassure, excite and thrill (sometimes all at once). Depending on how you feel, and what you both need, there’s a wonderful menu to choose from, and successful couples make the most of that. Not every encounter has to make the chandelier shake. Even humdrum, socks-on sex leaves a warm glow. And when you learn to embrace your physical bond and all that it can give, your relationship will deepen and thrive along with your love life.
1. Maintenance sex
Maintenance sex isn’t about fireworks — it’s the technical round rather than the showstopper — but no less important for it. This is the sex that keeps the emotional and physical bonds warm, even when things are otherwise frantic or a little flat. It’s telling your partner, “I choose us, even when life is noisy and busy.” Twee as that sounds, it works because it prevents intimacy quietly disappearing without you realising, when you’re otherwise exhausted, running on parallel tracks, or feeling neglected and resentful.
I’d put scheduled sex in the same bracket as maintenance sex. I have couples who pencil it in the diary, once a week. Desire doesn’t always come before intimacy — sometimes it comes because of it. Carving out space for the two of you strengthens the relationship, and prioritising your physical intimacy is a statement.
That said, some people don’t like the predictability of planned sex, and certainly sex as an obligation is not attractive. While it’s often possible to get into the mood, if one really isn’t feeling it, wise couples simply reschedule without drama or sulking. Or perhaps they just lie close together.
2. Make-up sex
Make-up sex is a reconnection after conflict. I say to couples in the clinic, it’s when you allow vulnerability to replace defensiveness. Make-up sex shows your partner that you want to be close again. It releases tension, re-establishes safety and reaffirms desire after a fight or disagreement. Most importantly, it reminds both that conflict in your relationship doesn’t cancel love or attraction.
However, make-up sex needs to come after emotional repair — it isn’t a replacement for it. In films, it’s always portrayed as “instead of” — a recipe for eventual disaster, because if there’s no verbal demonstration of understanding or contrition, the rupture remains unresolved. If sex is just played as a get-out-of-jail-free card, the pain, the hurt, still sits in the other person and will resurface. A sincere apology — “I see how my words hurt you, I understand why that was painful, I’m committed to doing better” — is potent foreplay.
3. ‘We’ve still got it’ sex
“We’ve still got it” sex is found in the thrill of breaking routine, finding new locations and new roles. Most long-term relationships don’t fail because of a lack of love; they fail from predictability. Couples who put fresh energy into their relationship renew it. Novelty spikes dopamine. This kind of sex is about vibrancy, feeling alive, being daring and surprising yourself. It doesn’t have to be glamorous — irreverence and laughter count for a lot. One couple told me that they crept into their basement for a brief encounter while their teens were upstairs.
“We’ve still got it” sex reminds your partner that you’re still curious about them. It’s not about performance, it’s about creativity, being together and a willingness to show yourself. There can be silliness, teasing, even experimentation — though there’s no pressure, no shame. Playfulness is the shortest path back to desire.
4. Desire-driven sex
In a long-term relationship, the sight of your partner doesn’t always overwhelm you with lust. But when successful couples do feel a spark, they recognise it and fan it into flame. As one client told me, “I need to feel that mutual hunger and spontaneity.” It came as his wife stood on a chair to get the rice cooker from the top of the cupboard, and they seized the moment.
Desire-driven sex is the opposite of maintenance sex. It’s raw attraction. Couples remember they’re not just parents, meal providers, bill payers, bin putter-outers; they’re lovers. What’s key is that there’s no shame (the biggest passion killer) when either expresses it. It might be that you’re ready to go to a party, all dressed up, and one suggests a quickie. Responding “but my hair” is the wrong answer. Who cares? This will give you more of a glow. Strong couples do experience ebbs and flows of desire, but they don’t panic when there’s an ebb — they know how to invite it back.
5. Comfort or healing sex
In the clinic, I describe comfort sex as more about intimacy than intensity. It’s about feeling close rather than swinging from the chandeliers. If one of you is burnt out or feeling vulnerable, the message is “I care for you, I’m here for you, and this is how I show that there’s a deep connection between us”. It’s sweet, reassuring sex, and the engagement is soft, holding, reassuring. It’s not necessarily full sex. There’s no urgency about it; it takes its time and is more protective than passionate, letting the other person know how much they mean to you and that they’re still wanted, needed and desired.
Healing sex also falls into this category — it’s slow, emotionally attuned and about being present, especially during times of grief or transition. Sometimes words don’t reach. Touch can communicate care, patience, and presence. Healing sex prioritises connection over outcome. Especially after emotional or physical pain, it helps people to rebuild trust in their bodies.
6. Stress-relieving sex
Some people hold on to their stress. It’s an understandable defence mechanism, but physically uncomfortable and fatiguing, and it literally clenches you up. Sex and intimacy can be an amazing form of stress relief if you can be kind to yourself and allow yourself the pleasure. And it sometimes takes little to tilt the balance. But you have to let go a bit and consciously allow your partner to help calm your nervous system. Sex lowers cortisol and releases oxytocin — and when life gets demanding, it’s a swiftly effective and uplifting way that couples can, as we therapists say, co-regulate (help each other manage their strong emotions). Sex becomes supportive and soothing — a shared exhale. It can only work when both partners fully trust each other and feel emotionally safe. It brings a real sense of togetherness.
7. Power-balancing sex
When the power balance in a relationship feels askew, this kind of sex is a deliberate, erotic equaliser. I see it often used in couples, especially when the woman is the high-flying big earner, and the man isn’t on the same level. Think of Nicole Kidman’s character in Babygirl — boss in the boardroom, subordinate in the bedroom. Of course, it also works the other way. In the clinic, I find that men who are powerful at work often like to be bossed about in bed. When you have to run the show at the office, there’s pleasure in not being in charge. And at home, if one partner has carried more financial, emotional or caregiving weight, the other can feel somehow lesser in the relationship. Power-balancing sex restores equality. That role reversal in bed is a satisfying, passionate and positive way of restoring balance.
8. Fantasy-sharing/driven sex
In my experience as a therapist, sharing fantasies and forbidden desires can build trust and emotional nakedness. There are caveats, such as the nature of the fantasy. I’ve had couples in the therapy room who have enacted them literally and others who have shared their fantasies but kept them largely symbolic. Many of the enacted fantasies — such as inviting in a third person — didn’t go well.
In this scenario there is usually one partner who feels like the spare part. But for couples who were creative about it rather than literal, they had wild sex. For example, one couple thought it would be amazing if they could have sex in front of people watching. They didn’t do so — they acted out the scene in private. It created so much intimacy, and gave their sex life new vibrancy and excitement.
9. Reset sex after a ‘drought’
The goal with reset sex is to rebalance the internal rhythm between a couple, to recreate a sense of “us” — usually when there’s been a dry patch and emotional distance. There may have been physical time apart or illness. Initiating intimacy may feel tentative and awkward. But even if sex itself doesn’t happen, nothing is lost because the first approach is part of the process of re-establishing emotional safety. And if you’re brave enough to initiate sex, you’re showing your partner that you want them.
The worst that can happen is rejection — and rejection shouldn’t be seen as defeat. It shouldn’t stop conversation; it should start it. We should see rejection as an information tool, a gateway to open communication. Don’t retreat, don’t argue with your partner’s emotions. Try to understand them. They might simply feel, “I’m not ready.” Your response creates that stepping stone towards intimacy.
10. Forgiveness sex
Sometimes what lies between you is deeper than a row. Perhaps there’s been an affair, physical or emotional, and there’s betrayal, hurt and pain. Forgiveness sex is the embodiment of letting go of long-held resentment and making space for softness and vulnerability to return. Ultimately, forgiveness is always about ourselves, not about the other person. It’s setting ourselves free.
Uniting in this way can be really passionate. It can unleash something powerful — especially in relationships or marriages that have become slightly boring or best-friend-like. Realising someone else finds your partner attractive causes you to look at them anew, reevaluate what your relationship signifies, realise how much you want to hold onto it, and what you need to do for that. The iceberg can thaw a little.
11. Sober sex
Alcohol can soften the hard edges between a couple. As it quiets the internal chatter, you’re more inclined to overlook any niggling irritations or anxieties and go for it. But if you’re always two glasses in before you allow yourself to be physically intimate, you become stuck in a holding pattern where you’re both circling, a little distant. You can’t be fully present and immersed when your senses and emotional capacities are diminished and fuzzied by drink. The advantage is that you don’t risk the feeling of being emotionally exposed. The disadvantage? You never discover if you could become closer. You remain forever in self-protection mode. Don’t fear sober sex. It brings a bolder connection — more real, raw, rewarding — than if you’re glassy-eyed and slobbery with Dutch courage.
Call it conscious intimacy: a deliberate act of closeness and affection. It’s profound, because you connect in body, mind and spirit. And then, can you imagine how good you’d feel about yourselves? Until you try it, you don’t know what you’re missing.
