11 Ways Married Couples Are Sabotaging Their Sex Lives — and How to Stop

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 20 February 2026.

The therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet says long-term couples often inadvertently ruin their love life. Here's where you're going wrong.

Most married or long-term couples want to have a fulfilling love life. And yet so many of them sabotage it and end up having little or no sex. Often they don’t realise that their unconscious fears, their beliefs and little habits are blocking their capacity for intimacy, desire and connection. People might avoid intimacy when they feel stressed. Or if there’s a misunderstanding, they shut down instead of communicating what they need. Or they criticise their body before their partner does.

The fact is that, contrary to popular belief, most sex problems are not technique-related. What I see in my clinic is that they’re more likely to be emotional, psychological or relational.

Your phone use is like a wall between you

You’re on your phone endlessly (yes, we know, it’s for work), often wearing noise-cancelling earphones. Do you intend to block out your partner? Because you’re making meaningful conversation impossible. Your partner might try to talk, but there are only so many times one begs for attention before giving up.

Silence creates resentment and distance. What you’re telling the other person is, I prefer my phone to you. People forget that emotional intimacy is foreplay. A lot of phone use is anxiety-driven, but if you want to feel calm, you’re applying the wrong tool. Ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What am I trying to distract myself from or numb?”

Meanwhile, I’d suggest honesty from the other partner. “When you’re on your phone all evening, I feel so ignored. Is it possible to pay me a little more attention? It would make me really happy.” If you’re committed to changing — and connecting — go for a coffee or a walk together and leave your phones at home. And definitely put your phones away at least an hour before bed.

You never fully get out of work mode

Some people find it comfortable to live in the stress zone. They’re always in work mode. I find that a lot of high-flyers don’t know how to transition from the office into intimacy. But not only does chronic stress lower your libido, but it also lowers your partner’s — a tired and wired spouse is not sexy. For desire to bloom, both need to feel emotionally safe and relaxed.

Often, the person with the big career sees work as their safe place where they’re validated, appreciated, and feel the thrill of competing and winning. Taking off your clothes and thinking you’ll be rated (or not) by your partner is more frightening. Yet in sex, there’s no competition. Your guard needs to come down. Get out of your performance mindset. Think simply about creating a connection — seeing, hearing and feeling your partner. That’s what great sex is about. Fully commit. Start with a long hug. After 20 seconds, you’ll start to produce oxytocin. It’s such a feel-good prompt — you feel safe, wanted, at peace with yourself and the other person.

You’re overfamiliar: you clip your toenails in front of each other (and worse)

Comfort is beautiful, but overfamiliarity can deaden desire. There’s a difference between emotional closeness and the absence of polarity and mystery. When all is shared, unfiltered and exposed (going to the loo, farting like a trumpet), the erotic tension disappears. Desire thrives in a little bit of space. Are you too close, too comfortable with each other for that to happen? You can absolutely adore each other, but you don’t need to see everything. Close the bathroom door. Clip your toenails in private. Familiarity builds love, but it’s the mystery that builds desire — and a good sex life needs both.

You’ve stopped making an effort with your appearance (sorry, but I see this more with men)

When someone stops trying, the message to their partner becomes: “I have you, I no longer need to make an effort with how I look.” Complacency is a big turn-off. Looking after your appearance is not about perfection; it’s about showing that you value and respect yourself and the person you’re with.

It is, dare I say, often the men who, in long-term relationships, slob around in joggers, forget to brush their teeth and let their nasal hair run wild. The hard truth is that attraction is partly visual. Ask yourself, what do you do to maintain your body? Do you smell nice? When did you last wear aftershave? Do you look as though you respect yourself? Self-care is not selfish, and it’s not vanity. It’s an erotic responsibility. I sometimes ask clients: “Would you date yourself right now?” Presentation matters. Take pride in the way you look, and it will energise you — and your sex life.

Your sex routine hasn’t changed in years

You’ve been doing it in the same bedroom, at the same time, in the same position for more than 20 years. That’s routine-based extinction. Desire hates predictability. Our brains are wired for novelty. So when sex becomes a routine affair — like car maintenance — it loses its energy, until the point when it takes eight minutes from beginning to end.

I sometimes ask couples in my clinic, if your sex life were a restaurant, would you go back? And what would your rating be? Would you go for 20 years to eat the same low-effort dish? While many people prefer comfort over excitement, too much of the same thing leads to boredom and stagnation. Attraction requires effort, surprise, and a little risk-taking. That’s why the start of a relationship is so exciting. Get those dust sheets off your sex life. Have a bath together. Learn to flirt again. Make each other laugh. Ban the phrase, “What are we watching tonight?” Change pace. Stretch those eight minutes to half an hour. What will you do together?

You won’t let yourself be spontaneous

The bedroom is a mess, you feel irritated and couldn’t possibly. Don’t let perfection be the enemy of getting up to no good. If your unmade bed reflects a lack of effort and care that lately feels symbolic of your relationship, have the courage to acknowledge that. Are you angry? Is the mess a passive-aggressive way of making sure that the atmosphere is not conducive to intimacy? If you care, dare to start a conversation. But if it’s just that you’ve had a mad week and you’re the people who dump towels on the floor, don’t overthink it. Do a two-minute blitz if it boosts the mood, or let it go and focus on each other. If you have a good connection, who cares? Live dangerously — fold the laundry later.

One of the secrets to a good sex life is the ability to seize the moment. That time you did it in front of the bathroom mirror? There was a spark that made that happen. Nurture that mutual ability to recognise the moment.

Unless you’re having intercourse, you don’t kiss

There’s no kissing good morning or hello, no flirting (you’re all business, budget and bin duties) and no hugs. Then you want Love Story to occur? The truth is, in a long-term relationship, sometimes we don’t want to make an effort; we just want to get what we want. But the other truth is that having a long-term relationship with connection and intimacy takes work. It doesn’t happen when you are on autopilot. A hundred little things facilitate it, starting with feeling emotionally safe with each other, not awkwardly at odds, feeling undesired or living in parallel. If there’s ambivalence, it needs to be addressed. It’s important that you communicate what you need. Have the uncomfortable conversations, build emotional awareness. But maybe just bring them a cup of tea and kiss them. Tell them something you appreciate about them. Most people don’t sabotage their sex life because they don’t care; they sabotage it because being truly close requires vulnerability, and that’s risky. But disconnection costs you more than vulnerability ever will.

You’re spending too much time together

It might be that you’re both feeding this inertia. You like staying in. You like pottering together. It’s cosy, it’s safe, it’s easy — but it’s probably slightly dull and it’s certainly not passion-boosting. In fact, too much togetherness, sameness, and cuddling like best friends in the playground will kill your libido stone dead. Often one person isn’t quite as keen as the other, and all the clinginess becomes cloying. How can there be yearning and wanting when the other person is always right there, hanging off you? It’s unattractive. There needs to be separation to give your partner a chance to desire you.

You need to rouse yourselves to find separate hobbies. Whether it’s golf, ice skating, metal detecting or bookbinding, get out of the house, go your separate ways, spend time apart, then come together. This way you bring excitement, novelty, uniqueness and curiosity — an injection of the unknown (very sexy) into the relationship.

You’re a bit too scared of rejection to ask for what you want

You tell yourself you’ll get it on at bedtime, and now you’re both nodding off on the sofa after hours of television, and no more is said on the matter. And there’s no weekend “lie-in” — you have to walk the dog, see to the kids (who are all old enough to join the army) or get to the gym for an 8 am class. Call it avoidance, or setting yourself up for failure — the truth is, if you want to have sex, you make time. The biggest sex saboteur in this situation is fear. Fear of rejection, of abandonment, of not feeling good enough. So ask yourself, which is it? Are you afraid of having a conversation with your partner of decade,s or is it more to do with how you feel about yourself? I say to my clients that the first form of intimacy with yourself is awareness. Start from there. And on the next dog walk, take your husband or wife.

Lights off! You don’t like your body

Believing you’re undesirable is a huge saboteur of sex — no lights, avoiding certain positions, “don’t touch me there”. If you can’t love yourself, are you expecting your partner to resolve your problems? It’s tedious to be in the role of having to reassure, and to no avail. In the clinic, I ask: “What would it take for you to be kind to yourself about your body? What would it feel like to look at yourself with love and understanding?”

We internalise a lot of rubbish — from family, society, media or porn — about what we should look like, what sex should be like, who’s sexy or not. It’s all external noise. It creates shame and insecurity. That’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility not to let it sabotage your pleasure. We don’t live forever. As we grow older, bits sag — and worse, it behoves us to learn to be comfortable with every version of ourselves. What are you willing to do for yourself? Will you eat well, practise yoga or lift weights? If you don’t sow seeds, don’t expect a harvest. A lot of people disconnect from themselves. If you can reconnect, it’s transformative in the bedroom. Dare to ask for pleasure, and take it.

Neither of you is making the first move

You’re in a stand-off. Neither of you is initiating sex. Why? In the clinic, I ask: “If your sex life were to improve dramatically, what would you require to feel? What would it require you to risk vulnerability? Rejection? A loss of control? Emotional exposure?” I often see score-keeping in couples. “He did that to me, and I’m going to do it back.” It’s so easy to blame the other person. And when neither instigates a conversation (let alone sex), conflict remains unresolved. It kills desire.

It may be that we’ve shown them our internal world — shared a need or want — and our partner has reacted badly or tactlessly. So we’re afraid to initiate again because we want to protect our ego. But protecting your ego costs you your connection. Does your partner deserve to have you assume the worst of them? Did they intend to hurt you? Only if you can give them the benefit of the doubt can you end the stalemate.