Mum, can my boyfriend sleep over? A parents’ guide to teen romance
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 05th September 2025.
From establishing boundaries to spotting relationship red flags, psychotherapist Jean-Claude Chalmet gives his advice
When your teen falls in love, you want to support, protect, and guide them. Early relationships are often tumultuous and it can be hard to know how to help. Even if their partner is a delight there’s lots to negotiate — from neglected schoolwork, to nonstop texting, to their beloved joining your family holiday. Here’s what parents need to know.
Never criticise a partner you dislike — especially with teens
When a teenager falls in love with someone you’re not keen on there’s nothing you can reasonably say. As we all know, voicing disapproval when it comes to your contrarian teen has the opposite effect to that intended. Your child will resent you, and your disapproval may cement their attraction to their partner. So keep your negative opinions private. It’s important to remember that it is your child’s choice, not yours. Choosing well is not a given but something that can be learnt via experience. They see perfection, you see immaturity, thoughtlessness and double standards — they’re teens, after all, not the finished article. Tactlessness will alienate your child. Instead try to discuss what they think of this person to understand what they see in them. Your relationship with your child is your only leverage. And expect them to ignore advice even if they trust and respect you. You’ll say, “It’s so important to choose someone kind.” They might learn how to do that by choosing someone who is not.
Don’t underestimate the power of first love (and sex)
Parents underestimate the power of first love. They forget that turmoil, that bliss, the conviction nothing else matters. And, dare I say, I find in clinic that if a parent’s sex life isn’t up to much, their teen’s burgeoning love life can prompt difficult feelings. Be self-aware. If you belittle or begrudge their relationship and joy, or fight it, you become the enemy. Your role is to be supportive — perhaps the parent you didn’t have. If you were shamed for being sexual, learn from that what not to do. Strict parents don’t prevent their kids’ sexual activity — they just force them to hide it. And if there’s a problem the teen then deals with it alone. A sensible parent has protective boundaries — for instance, no sleepovers on school nights — but they negotiate.
If they’ve had a lovers’ tiff, don’t preach
If your child is upset or confides that their partner was disloyal or unkind, never say, “I told you so.” Focus on comforting them. You can prompt them to reflect on their partner’s behaviour while being empathic. Say, “I’m so sorry. How did you feel?” Or, “Would you find that acceptable from anyone else?” Or, “Perhaps explain to them that this made you feel awful, and in future could they handle such situations differently.” Any direct criticism of their partner will make them double down. They need to conclude independently that this person consistently makes them feel bad — if this is the case. TV, with its many portrayals of poor relationships, is your ally. A casual, “How would you deal with that?” when a scenario comes up gives them food for thought.
Speak up if you suspect abuse
The exception to keeping quiet is if you suspect that the relationship is abusive — then speak up. It’s far more common than you think among youngsters. Forty-nine per cent of teenagers, aged 13-17, in intimate relationships in England and Wales experienced violent or controlling behaviour, according to a report published last year by the Youth Endowment Fund. Young people can confuse being on the receiving end of possessive behaviour with love. If you think your child is hiding something, it’s because they’re afraid of telling you the truth. They learn to trust you — or not — by your response when they confide something awful or upsetting. Stay calm — don’t judge or berate. Red flags include a consistent deterioration in their mood and dramatic changes in their behaviour and reactions towards you. Gently ask, “Do you feel this person is capable of empathy? Of accepting responsibility for their behaviour? In any situation between you are they always the victim?” If the answers are no, no and yes, you need a serious chat.
Draw the line (but keep the peace)
If your child’s partner has behaved inappropriately in your presence, you can raise the subject — but tread carefully. Keep in mind what’s important: your child’s welfare. Stick to emotion-led dialogue, not powerplay. Never, “This is my house and I forbid this or that.” Instead try, “Look, there was something I found really difficult to deal with — could we talk and find a solution? I didn’t want to say anything while they were here but I want us all to be happy and comfortable.” Be the diplomat.
How to cope with constant texting between your teen and their lover
Is your teen’s constant texting with a lover any different from constant texting with their friends? Yes: it’s annoying, intrusive and antisocial — but make allowances. Remember the 1980s, when you were hogging the house phone at all hours? In 2025 texting is how they communicate (and how you do), so be magnanimous. You can still maintain a rule of no phones at the table, but be smart. Ask that phones are off for half an hour. If the meal stretches over two hours, overlook their lengthy “bathroom breaks”. Decide what matters more — that your kids bend to your will and feel resentful or everyone compromises and there’s relative harmony.
Is your kid’s partner coming on holiday? Rules and boundaries
Speak to your child to discuss everyone’s expectations before the holiday — theirs and yours. If they’re under 18 I’d recommend a chat with the child’s parents to find out what’s permissible in their house. When my son was 18 I called his girlfriend’s parents to ask if it was OK that they slept in the same room. Meanwhile, if you find yourself acting like a footman, speak to your child rather than their partner. Say, “How do you think I feel when I come down and the kitchen is a state?” If they say, “I don’t know,” tell them, “I feel disrespected. I’m sure that’s not your intention. How can we resolve this?”
What if your child is neglecting schoolwork and friends?
Worried that your teen is neglecting everything and everyone because of this relationship? While addressing it with them, keep the conversation about feelings and make it a negotiation, not an instruction. However, if they’re rigidly resistant, remind them that while you aren’t strict, you will occasionally say no if you believe it’s important. Young adults like such frameworks: your boundaries make them feel cared for. Stress that you’re happy this person makes them happy. Then say, “This is what I’m noticing.” Add, “I can’t make you do anything but this makes me feel concerned. How can we compromise?” You might add, “If you want to be treated as an adult, you must also behave like one.” They have to learn how to negotiate.
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