Parenting Teenagers in the Age of Social Media

When I had kids, I vowed to keep them off all electronic devices for as long as humanly possible. When everyone was handing their toddler an iPad, I would opt for crayons (and felt quite smug about it, too).

Then COVID hit, and the world went online. All of my beautiful ideas that I’d kept for the last decade went out the window as Pandora’s Electronic Box was opened. Within weeks, my 10-year-old twins were online with a tablet or computer for nearly everything in life. That sweet, offline, disconnected childhood seemed to vanish overnight.

I did my best to keep it at a minimum and under control. Still, slowly, all of the digital influences started creeping in: video games, YouTube, Minecraft, and all of the other silly, mind-numbing, time-wasting things became my children’s pastimes.

The Teen Shift to Secrecy

At 13, they “needed” smartphones, and while I begrudgingly gave in, I insisted on no social media. That part seemed easy, as my teenage boys weren’t really interested in it anyway. I felt a sense of misplaced pride that I’d somehow dodged a bullet.

I know some parents have trackers on their children’s phones so they know where they are online and what they’re doing. That’s never been me. My kids and I have always had honest communication about all sorts of topics, and I was sure that when the time came, they would come to me and make the case for why they should have social media. I was even humble-bragging to a friend of mine about how my now 15-year-olds didn’t have any social media and couldn’t care less.

Then I found out the truth, and it shattered me. They not only had Instagram, but they were spending quite a lot of time on it as well.

It wasn’t the social media use that upset me as much as the fact that they hadn’t come to me to have a conversation about it since they knew my views on it. But the worst was when they denied having it. That shift to secrecy in our parent-child relationship broke my heart.

A World We Never Grew Up In

To be fair, one of my twins felt genuinely awful about lying to me. He nearly burst into tears as he finally admitted the truth: yes, he’d downloaded Instagram—but what was so wrong with that? And honestly, for a 15-year-old, there wasn’t really anything wrong with it. After all, today’s teens are digital natives—they’ve practically spent their entire lives online, and we simply can’t parent them the same way we were parented.

I absolutely understand that not all social media is just mindless scrolling and entertainment. As an adult, I’ve learned to (mostly) harness it for the good. I’ve used it constructively to plan a move abroad, stay in touch with friends and family, research trips, find jobs, and make excellent connections from all over the world. It can be a very useful space.

But I also know how quickly that space can shift and become adangerous place for your mental health where your identity, popularity, and self-worth can be judged, compared, critiqued and destroyed. In those delicate teenage years when you’re struggling with who you are, where you fit in, and the relationships you’re forming both online and offline, the emotional stakes can be overwhelming. That’s why I would’ve liked to have had an honest conversation about how to use social media wisely and how to channel it constructively—before the algorithms got there first.

The Hidden Costs of Scrolling

While most parents have been somewhat aware of the dangers of social media—decreased attention span, dopamine hits—the Netflix series "Adolescence" alerted us to the upfront threat of what the wrong algorithm can do to young minds. Sparking the World Economic Forum into a debate on digital safety, the series highlighted how easily young people can fall into the dark corners of the internet.

British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer, who watched the series with his family emphasised, “As I see from my own children, openly talking about … the content they’re seeing, and exploring the conversations they’re having with their peers is vital if we are to properly support them in navigating contemporary challenges, and deal with malign influences.”

But let’s be honest: most teenagers aren’t thinking about dopamine hits, attention spans, or analysing content. They’re thinking: “All my friends are on it—why can’t I be?” Or “What’s the big deal if I scroll Instagram for a few hours?”

But here’s the thing: it is a big deal. From Facebook and Instagram to YouTube, Snapchat, and TikTok, social media is a global phenomenon.

According to an NIH study on social media, in 2024, the global number of social media users tipped over 5 billion and will surpass 6 billion by 2028.

Adolescents make up a vast portion of this group. In fact, nearly one-third of all users are teens and young adults. Between the ages of 13 and 17, a staggering 93–97% of teens use at least one platform. Among them, girls aged 16–24 spend more than three hours a day on social media, with boys close behind at two and a half hours. These are the most developmentally vulnerable years—and also the most exposed to the psychological risks of life online.

What teens—and many adults—don’t understand is the neurobiological impact of prolonged social media use. These systems are designed with a clear focus to trigger the brain's reward, attention, and emotional regulation systems. The more you scroll, swipe and like, the more your dopamine pathways are altered to seek out the reward processing–the high–and make you want more. It creates a dependency just like substance addiction because the platforms are developed for optimal dopamine hits with an algorithm that keeps you hooked and chasing that high.

Connection Over Control

One of the most troubling findings is that teens think what their social media is showing them is an accurate reflection of themselves. The algorithm has tricked them into believing what they see is real, and we, as parents, need to push back against that.

Banning smartphones and restricting social media doesn’t work—I know this first-hand. Parents have to step up to protect their children and teach them how to use social media responsibly. Smartphones and social media aren’t going away, so we need to find a way to help our teens use technology in a healthy way.

One of the best ways parents can make this happen is by encouraging open dialogue long before any issues arise. For me, that would’ve meant checking in on my teens from time to time and talking more about social media. I thought they weren’t interested, and they thought I’d get angry or be disappointed in them for wanting it. I own that, and I’m now working to establish stronger connections with my teens so they know they can come to me with any situation or question. Having open, non-judgmental conversations about social media and even admitting your own shortcomings around internet addiction can go a long way towards connecting with your teens.

We can’t ignore the algorithms, but we can guide our teens towards a reasonable solution for a healthy social media relationship. For my little family, it’s a work in progress, but I know we’re all heading in the right direction.

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