Becoming Whole: Navigating Infidelity with Mindfulness
Author Jen Hatmaker begins her most recent book, Awake, with the sentence “At 2:30 a.m. on July 11, 2020, out of a dead sleep, I hear five whispered words not meant for me. ‘I just can’t quit you.’”
And suddenly, in an instant, her thoughts were flooded with the traumatic loss of her 26-year marriage and everything she had built around it. For many women in the middle of their lives, this story is fairly universal.
Boy meets girl.
Boy marries girl.
A family, a career, a house, a shared life.
And then, another woman (and often younger).
And after that, unspeakable loss and trauma.
Of course, this scenario isn’t just limited to women, but statistically speaking, it’s pretty accurate.
Research from the General Social Survey (GSS) and other studies suggests that men report cheating at a higher rate than women. These studies indicate that 20% of men and 13% of women reported having sex with someone outside their marriage while still married. And we all know that infidelity is often underreported in surveys, so these numbers could be much higher.
Regardless of the numbers or who cheated on whom, the results are universally devastating.
For anyone who is on a path to recovery from infidelity or any kind of affair (emotional or sexual), addressing painful thoughts and feelings are essential elements of the healing process. While there’s a lot written about infidelity, one thing that’s not widely mentioned is recovering through mindfulness. Specifically, using mindfulness to strengthen your emotional healing as you become whole again.
Strengthening Emotional Healing
But what exactly does “becoming whole and strengthening emotional healing” mean?
For many people, the process of becoming whole through strengthening their emotional healing is a journey towards self-awareness, reinvention and integration as you learn to embrace all aspects of yourself.
Becoming whole for others involves using mindfulness to cultivate compassion, learning to feel openness and compassion for yourself, and remaining grounded to protect yourself. It means practising mindfulness to be more present in the moment, letting go of past experiences that may be limiting your life. Becoming whole through mindfulness also means actively challenging your thought processes and critical self-talk while focusing on your own healing and needs.
Unfortunately, because of the emotional pain and trauma you may have experienced through infidelity, it’s possible you’ll find parts of yourself that have “shut down” as you’ve learned to become defensive, self-critical, self-protective and closed in order to protect yourself.
However, as you explore mindfulness, you may unexpectedly and happily find a hidden or undeveloped part of yourself that was previously inaccessible. This process of “becoming whole” leads to a sense of completeness and harmony, which is key after recovery from infidelity.
Becoming Whole
Becoming whole is a journey, not something you reach all at once. Finding out about infidelity can make you feel like your life is falling apart. Indeed, a part of it probably is at this moment. But with practice, being mindful can help you feel more in touch with your feelings and thoughts, more accepting of them, and less swept away by the chaos and storm of emotions inside you.
This process teaches you that it's okay to feel complex emotions — they're normal and natural — but you don't have to let them run your life, take over, or define who you are. These emotions, overwhelming as they may seem, can actually help you to heal. The main thing is to work through your feelings instead of getting stuck in your own head. It’s easier said than done, but it's definitely possible, and necessary for you to recover and move forward with a sense of wholeness.
Mindfulness, which started in Buddhist traditions, isn’t just a practice; it's a way of living.
In modern psychology, it was brought into the mainstream by Jon Kabat-Zinn, a retired professor of medicine and founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society. Research over many years has shown that mindfulness can help with stress, anxiety, chronic pain, addiction, depression, and even dealing with complex emotions like those that come with infidelity.
Dr. Melanie Greenberg, a relationship expert, explains mindfulness in this way: “Some thoughts you want to hold on to and some you want to let go. The negative ones, let them pass by and notice when they pull you in or make you feel triggered, then gently bring yourself back. ”
How to Practice Mindfulness
At its core, mindfulness is about bringing your attention back to the present moment whenever it drifts away. It's about staying centred and having a kind, open, and accepting attitude toward your emotions, your body, and the people around you. It’s not about changing your thoughts, but about changing how you relate to them.
After an affair, self-sabotaging, negative and painful thoughts can often come up. Part of mindfulness means refocusing on the immediate reality around you — the sounds outside, the plant on your desk, the artwork in your room. It could mean focusing on something neutral or changing your relationship with your thoughts, seeing them as separate from you, like clouds floating by in the sky.
Focusing on your breath is a key part of coming back to the present, as it helps you to get out of the automatic, often negative, thoughts taking space in your head. By stopping, breathing, and grounding yourself, you create a new space to ask yourself, “What am I thinking and feeling right now?” Write it down if that helps, and reflect on those words as you ask yourself, “Is this how I want to spend my time? Is this helpful or healthy? Are these thoughts helping me move forward to wholeness?”
It's normal to pull away from activities that help you feel grounded when you're going through emotional pain—and that's exactly when you need to be doing them most. But being consistent with mindfulness helps you take steps toward recovery and becoming whole again. So keep your eye on the goal and just breathe.
Mindfulness in Minutes
At first, it can be really hard to begin practising mindfulness after discovering an affair.
But starting small can help you manage the emotional triggers over time. This journey is different for everyone, but with regular practice of living in the moment and reminding yourself that things will be okay, you’ll get there.
Start with small moments throughout the day — a few minutes here and there — for a quick mindfulness check-in.
For example, when you take your morning shower, what do you usually do? Your mind might start going over the day ahead, jumping from one thought to another, or replaying details of the affair over and over.
Try this instead:
Listen to the sound of the water. Notice the warmth of the water on your skin. Smell the scents around you. Feel the soles of your feet on the shower mat or the smoothness of the tiles.
Perhaps you’re at work, sitting at your desk. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and place your feet flat on the floor to ground yourself. Keep breathing as you concentrate on how the chair feels, the floor, the air around you. As you breathe, notice the cool air entering your body and the warmer air exiting as your chest rises and falls.
These small mindfulness exercises can help you feel more grounded and centred during the day.
Become Whole at The Place Retreats Bali
Becoming whole is a process, not an outcome. The discovery of infidelity can often make you feel like your life is completely out of control. With practice, mindfulness can bring you to a deeper, healthier place with your feelings and thoughts, more accepting of them and far less reactive to the emotional storm swirling inside you.
This process reminds you that we can have difficult emotions—that’s perfectly normal and acceptable—but you don’t have to let these emotions control, overwhelm, or define you. You can use these emotions to teach and guide you on your path to recovery. The key is working through the process, rather than getting stuck in your head. And yes, it is easier said than done, but it absolutely can be done, and it must be for you to heal properly and move forward with wholeness.
If you’re struggling with navigating infidelity, a separation or a divorce, The Place Retreats Bali is here to help. We understand how discovering an affair can make it feel like your world is collapsing as you struggle to move forward with clarity and hope.
Our expert team of compassionate therapists and holistic practitioners understands the traumatic impact of infidelity and the pain, trauma and chaos it leaves behind. Our luxury retreat centre is surrounded by nature and lush, tropical Balinese gardens where you’ll find a peaceful and restorative space to rediscover yourself and your inner power.
If you’re ready to reclaim your life after infidelity, reach out to The Place Retreats for your free 15-minute consultation. We can design a tailor-made mindfulness retreat that shows you how to break through the pain and become whole. You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here to help.