The new rules for dating after divorce — the therapist’s guide
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 29th August 2025.
Navigating the dating scene again? Jean-Claude Chalmet gives his advice (including why dating multiple people is OK)
Dating multiple people is fine in 2025
People in midlife and older, who are back on the singles’ scene, might not be used to the idea of dating more than one person at a time. But it’s far from abnormal in the modern dating world. I’d say that, post-divorce, not only is it fine to date multiple people, it’s a necessity. When a marriage ends, people often live in the past (sad and regretful) or in the future (anxious and fearful). Learning to understand what you need now, and have fun, is a skill you must acquire. People often exit marriage with a skewed view of themselves and others, and getting a feel of who is out there and how they see you often serves as an ego-boosting corrective lens. But you don’t find that clarity by settling for the first person who shows interest. Meeting a few people concurrently, for walks, coffees, lunches, is not outrageous — it’s the nature of online dating. Be yourself from the first moment. Even then it can take months to realise whether you’re compatible or not. It’s possible to navigate that process without instilling false hope in your date, or being naively transparent. You have to live with yourself, so speak the truth — but this doesn’t have to mean you always speak it.
There’s no age limit — of course you can date in your seventies and beyond
If you’re in your seventies and want to couple up, dive into the dating pool. You’re looking for sex too? Jump in! Everyone is online these days, seniors included. It’s natural to be apprehensive. But don’t let your fears overtake your curiosity. Are you willing to experience life or just exist? Clients as young as 60 tell me that people are surprised that they’re still interested in bedroom activity. Then they doubt themselves — maybe they should be content with companionship? Know your own mind. Don’t let others, or your own insecurities, limit you. Sex after 70 is nothing special — by which I mean that if you’re enjoying it at this age and beyond, you’re not exceptional. There’s no age limit on pleasure.
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A second marriage doesn’t have to be the goal post-divorce
If 15 years of a 25-year marriage were purgatory, why rush into another? We find safety in familiarity — but often it’s cognitive laziness, insecurity and fear of being alone. It requires no effort to do the same as you always did. But I tell clients to let their relationships so far teach them what they don’t want. It’s so important to learn what you need at this stage, and to consciously consider what elements of the rest of your life you want to be different. Love isn’t about filling a void. It’s about being whole, and connecting from there. Many clients who reach this point realise that marriage feels less important. And even if they do marry, they refashion it to suit their needs, for example, keeping finances separate.
You don’t have to share homes — even if you marry or are committed
When you had a joint responsibility to raise kids, living together and pooling resources made sense. In later-life relationships you’re freer. One couple I counselled married in their fifties and live five minutes from each other. They both have twentysomething children, and mutually agreed not to “blend” families. It simplified what is often a complex and challenging situation. They spend a lot of time together, but retain the privilege of privacy, and of spending time with their kids without their partner. She might walk over to his place for a dinner party, but doesn’t have to play host. They have shared and separate interests, and the spark of passion isn’t dulled by routine.
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Men: don’t rush into your next relationship
I see a lot of men who rush to fill the “wife-shaped” gap in their lives — at a very high cost. A period of reflection post-divorce is crucial, because if a relationship turns sour, usually both partners are at fault. Owning your mistakes, and accepting that your ex wasn’t a monster and you a saint, is essential, or you’ll simply barge into your next relationship self-righteous and unchanged, and make identical errors. I tell clients that when you’re newly single, you need time to come back to yourself. Hastily committing to someone to make yourself feel better means you dodge the opportunity to self-improve. It’s short-term gain for long-term pain. It’s easy in the first few months of togetherness for people to edit themselves, but over time they revert to their original self, and if you’ve hurried into a relationship that’s when it falters.
You’ll have to spell out whether you want the relationship to be exclusive
In the old days a few dates and a kiss or two meant you were a couple. That’s not so now. So if you were last single sometime in the 20th century, it can be confusing. It can take about four months of soul-ruffling misunderstandings for people to acclimatise to the new dating rules and find their voice. It’s amazing — and refreshing — how quickly people who’ve endured difficult marriages gain the confidence to set firm boundaries. You quickly realise that you have to be clear and unabashed about what’s acceptable or not. The person who is still living with their ex but didn’t tell you straight away (quite a common scenario) is not the one for you and you can tell them in no uncertain terms. Straight talking requires a tough attitude and a thicker skin — but it gets you closer to what you do want, and you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s.
Allow yourself to make mistakes — but learn from them
It’s normal, even helpful, to make dating mistakes post-divorce — to choose a person who you belatedly realise is similar to your ex — as long as you learn from the experience. If you were married to a cold partner, and made to feel not good enough, it can be hard to recognise and accept love in a different form — for example, if someone is warm and kind, it can be hard to trust that, because you’ve not known it. Real intimacy can feel unfamiliar, cloying and demanding. Just being aware of this is helpful. Check in with yourself. Ask, am I enjoying this? Do I feel safe, wanted, good enough? When you’ve felt emotionally unsafe for so long, it takes time to recover and to acclimatise to being treated well.
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When to introduce to the kids
Even if you think a relationship is serious, it’s impossible to be certain when it’s right to introduce your new partner to your children. Six months in? That’s the honeymoon period — frankly, it’s early days. Wait until you are absolutely sure that this is true love. Trouble is, even if you’re certain, that doesn’t mean that your children are ready to meet and accept them, regardless of whether your children are 4, 14 or 24. They have divided loyalties. When parents divorce, they already have to cope with so many emotions and so much change. Be wary of asking them to accept someone they are not prepared for. For the first year at least, especially with under-16s, their happiness and needs should take priority. Be the best parent you can by being aware of and sensitive to how your children feel.
How to date with adult kids at home
These days many twentysomething kids remain in the nest — and the parent who stays in the family home usually lives with them full-time, under the gaze of their beady eye. Don’t kid yourself that adult children more easily accept new partners than young children do. It can take years. “I will never forget that he made you cry,” said one 23-year-old to her mother about her new on-off-now-on-again partner. They can be protective, resentful and brutally forthright (painful, but healthier than bottling up how they feel). Know that they are not trying to be difficult. Risk asking their opinion. When one parent moves out, it can feel to the kids like they’ve left the whole family. So they want the parent in the home to behave like a parent — not a lovesick teenager — they want extra parenting. It’s not fair, of course, but it’s your responsibility to be tolerant and to understand why they’re behaving this way. It can require careful planning, and a lot of dates out, not in.
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