What’s the Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting?
Divorce. It’s messy and full of emotions. Separating two lives—especially when children are involved—can leave even the best of friends at odds with each other and how to move forward.
You might be thinking, “My spouse cheated on me! How in the world am I meant to co-parent with someone after that level of betrayal? We couldn’t communicate effectively when we were married. How are we supposed to do that now? I don’t ever want to see them again.”
Or you might be hoping for a reconciliation despite the fact your ex has already moved on.
A divorce can be devastating, no doubt. No one gets married thinking about when they’ll split. But no matter how you feel about each other, the conflict between you and your ex is the most damaging thing for your children.
Putting the Children First
Right now, while you’re processing how to separate two lives, your biggest concern should be about how you’ll raise your children. Together, but also very much apart. Hopefully, this is at least one thing you and your spouse can agree on because the research shows that having two emotionally mature, involved parents is the most healthy situation for your children.
However, going from a married couple parenting together to adivorced couple parenting children is rarely a seamless transition. Many couples struggle to find their place while processing the emotional turmoil of divorce. This is especially true if the divorce was contentious and traumatic.
A Common Question: Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting?
You might be wondering: should we be co-parenting or parallel parenting? What does that even mean? How do you know which type of parenting is going to be the healthiest for you and your children? And how in the world do you minimize conflict and keep both parents involved in parenting? For most divorced couples, this might sound impossible, especially if conflict was a major part of your separation. However, the answer is usually not black or white but rather somewhere in the messy middle.
While the terms co-parenting and parallel parenting are frequently used, it can be challenging to understand the differences. They may sound similar, but they are actually two distinct approaches that parents choose to use when raising their children after divorce. It’s also possible that a former couple might start with one method and switch somewhere along the lines.
If you are an evolved couple who can treat each other with civility, kindness, and respect even while going through a divorce, there’s a good chance you might be able to co-parent. That’s because co-parenting requires effective communication and working together to raise children.
On the other hand, when former spouses are disrespectful and spiteful toward each other post-divorce, a parallel parenting arrangement might be the best choice. This method limits interaction with each other while allowing each parent separate time with their children to parent without any joint interaction.
According to the family law firm McIntyre and Tate, the main difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting is that “co-parenting involves active collaboration and communication between both parents, while parallel parenting minimizes contact to reduce conflict, allowing each parent to handle their own time with the children separately.”
While not everyone will have the same definition or expectations, the most important thing is to choose the healthiest path going forward. In other words, what’s best for the children?
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is a method of parenting in which you and your ex-spouse work together to raise your children most beneficially. This arrangement means both parents can continue participating in their children’s upbringing and activities jointly. Post-divorce co-parenting involves a substantial amount of interaction between the parents, which means that parents communicate and work well enough together to make cooperative decisions and remain in close and frequent contact. These parents make and agree on decisions together, coordinate their schedules, share the same parenting values, and perhaps even continue to attend family events together.
Co-parenting requires that both adults agree on nearly everything child-related. These parents demonstrate flexibility, mutual respect for each other, a desire to collaborate on creative problem-solving, and a willingness to compromise.
In order for co-parenting to work successfully, both parents must be fully committed to maintaining civility and setting aside any differences between them for the sake of their children.
Tips for Successful Co-Parenting
Successful co-parenting requires a strong commitment from both parents. When it’s done right, this method benefits the entire family by ensuring stability, predictability, and support.
Here are some basic tips for implementing a good co-parenting relationship:
Establish clear expectations, rules, and guidelines for your children’s upbringing.
Respect each other's boundaries.
Keep discussions focused on what’s best for the children—not your emotions.
Be consistent regarding discipline in the home environment.
By keeping these basics in mind, your co-parenting agreement has much greater odds of success.
What Should be Included in a Co-Parenting Plan?
No matter how amicable the divorce is and how well you work together—you’re going to need a plan. A comprehensive co-parenting plan addresses such things as:
How will you split your scheduled time with the children?
How will discipline be handled?
Who is picking up and dropping off at school? Is there a bus?
Which school district will the children attend, or will they go to private school?
What about extracurricular activities?
How will higher education be handled? Is there an expectation of university?
Who is responsible for paying for education fees?
Where will kids spend the holiday? Will you rotate each year?
Who is responsible for health care, doctor’s appointments, vaccines, and insurance?
Will they get a driver’s license, and if so, who is responsible for the associated costs?
What kind of religious upbringing (if any)?
Families are complex and the list can be very specific. It’s up to each couple to decide how detailed you want to get with your co-parenting plan.
Even if you had a marriage where you worked very well together in parenting, it’s best to examine all the details and scenarios and put them in writing so there are fewer opportunities for conflict. It might seem like a lot of “thinking ahead,” but it’s important to remember that your children may be toddlers now, but they won’t be forever! Having a clear roadmap of agreement can help down the road if things go sideways, and you need to start parallel parenting instead.
When both parents can work together amicably, the children suffer less disruption and reap the full benefits of the consistency and stability that two loving parents provide in their daily lives.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is the complete opposite of co-parenting. These exes are constantly at odds and struggle to communicate effectively with each other. Often, these divorces are contentious, or one party has experienced severe mental, physical, or financial abuse during the divorce proceedings. In cases like this, it will be nearly impossible for a co-parenting agreement to succeed. With parallel parenting, communication and interaction are kept to a minimum. When communication is necessary, it’s best to keep it business-like and only focus on child-related matters.
The parallel parenting model means parents spend time with their kids independently in parallel households. This strategy of independence may be to protect one parent and also minimize the risk of their children being caught in the middle of the hostility. If parallel parenting means the children don’t suffer any damaging effects from your continuing conflict, it’s a good strategy for the family.
Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting
While children may have different experiences and expectations across differing households, a solid, parallel parenting plan can still provide stability and support.
Keep communication to a minimum and keep it focused solely on child-specific details.
Insist on written communication via email if texting or phone calls become problematic or invasive.
Consider using a parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard.
Decide in advance which parent will attend certain school events, sports games, or other extracurricular activities.
Establish legally enforceable rules about speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children or using the children as an intermediary for communications.
Decide on decision-making authority regarding shopping, friends, curfew, extracurricular sign-ups, and similar child-related matters.
Designate appropriate times for communicating outside of their children’s presence.
Schedule children’s communications with one parent during the other’s parenting time.
As you can see, due to the lack of communication and a lack of willingness to work together, there are numerous issues to consider and address when establishing a parallel parenting plan.
Choosing a Parenting Strategy Is Only Part of the Healing
Whether you choose co-parenting or parallel parenting, remember that these plans are just one part of a much larger picture. Divorce reshapes every aspect of your life—your identity, your family structure, your emotional world. While creating a parenting agreement is essential, so is tending to your own healing. After months (or even years) of conflict, stress, and emotional shutdown, many parents find themselves running on empty. If you're struggling to move beyond survival mode, it may be time to step back and focus on your own recovery.
When You’re Done Surviving and Ready to Heal
Whether you’re navigating a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic or trying to establish emotional boundaries through parallel parenting, the emotional toll of divorce can linger long after the legal papers are signed. The day-to-day challenges of raising children post-divorce—while also trying to make sense of your own heartbreak, anger, or grief—can be exhausting. You may find yourself constantly in “survival mode,” unsure of when you’ll get a moment to breathe, reflect, or heal.
That’s where a post-divorce healing retreat at The Place Retreats can make all the difference. In our supportive and nurturing environment in Bali, you’ll have the space to step away from conflict and rediscover your center. Our integrative approach combines clinical therapy with proven holistic practices to help you work through the pain, reconnect with your sense of self, and begin mapping out a new, more grounded future—for yourself and your children. Whether you’re struggling to co-parent peacefully or simply trying to rebuild after emotional chaos, we’re here to support your transformation.
If you’re ready to reclaim your life after divorce, reach out to The Place Retreats for your free 15-minute consultation. Let us design a tailor-made retreat that helps you break through and rediscover yourself after divorce. You don’t have to do this alone.
