Is It Emotional Abuse? How to Recognise the Subtle Signs and Red Flags
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner? Do you find yourself wondering if you're going to be “in trouble” yet again? Did you take too long food shopping? Did you spend too much or deviate from the list?
Does your partner constantly disapprove of everything you do and tell you how you should be doing it instead? Everything from what you wear and what you eat to how you fold the laundry?
These examples are some of the more subtle ways that emotional abuse shows up in relationships. While a singular incident may seem like a small thing, when the little things are all added up, the constant pressure of feeling like you can’t do anything right and that things must be done a certain way – their way and only their way – can have a very debilitating effect on a person.
Emotional Overwhelm
If your spouse acts more like a disapproving parent than an equal partner, and you feel crushed by the weight of their constant expectations for you to think, act and do things a certain way, it could be a sign that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. What makes a behaviour abusive is when it is an ongoing pattern intended to control another person. These patterns lead to a gradual erosion of your identity as a unique individual.
If you’ve ever heard the analogy of the boiling frog, emotional abuse is a bit like that. It goes like this:
If you place a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will immediately try to jump out. But if you place the frog in cool water and slowly heat it, the frog won’t notice the rising temperature until it’s too late.
By the time the water is boiling, it’s too late; the frog can’t escape.
How does that relate to emotional abuse? You are the frog. You see, emotional abuse often starts slyly and slowly with a few negative comments, controlling moves and emotional blackmail. It doesn’t start with blatant cruelty, aka boiling water. Instead, the abuse is added bit by bit over time, so slowly that it’s very easy to miss the subtle early signs because you’ve been conditioned that your relationship is “normal”.
Because emotional abuse doesn’t involve physical violence, it’s often overlooked as “true abuse”. After all, people might say, “If there’s no bruise, did it really happen?” But make no mistake, emotional abuse is just as damaging, and it can happen to people of any age or gender. While we usually think about and refer to emotional abuse in the context of marriage and romantic partnerships, abusers could also be your boss, parent, adult child or caretaker.
There are many signs of emotional abuse. In this blog, we’ll cover the top 10 signs, how to recognise them and what to do if you feel you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind.
Top 10 Signs You Might Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
1. You Feel Constricted in Your Everyday Life
Do you usually feel constricted, stressed, anxious, and constantly wondering if you're going to receive approval—or the opposite—if you're wondering if you're going to receive disapproval? Do you constantly monitor your tone, words, and actions to avoid upsetting your partner? Are you afraid of doing something “wrong” or being punished with silence, criticism, or anger?
These are giant red flags that there is a problem.
2. You Feel Suffocated by Expectations
Your partner has rigid ideas about how you should behave, think, or feel—and you're expected to conform. Even everyday choices (like grocery shopping) become points of tension or accusation.
3. You Worry About Earning Approval—or Avoiding Disapproval
You worry about whether your partner will approve of your actions. You may obsess over their reactions and feel emotionally unsteady based on how they treat you that day.
4. There’s a Constant Power Imbalance
Your partner sees themselves as superior—more rational, smarter, more “right”—and expects you to accept their viewpoint without question. Their entitlement leaves no room for your opinion.
5. You Feel Like a Child in the Relationship
If you feel like a child in your relationship—a dynamic more like a parent–child, not equal partners—that is very significant. You’re often scolded, corrected, or made to feel like you’ve misbehaved. “Oh, you did something wrong. You did something bad. You did something you shouldn't have done. You need to stop it. You need to start it. You need to change. It's not okay.”
You might even find yourself apologising constantly.
6. You Experience Frequent Anxiety or Panic
Your body is telling you something isn’t right. If you feel ongoing anxiety, dread, or emotional exhaustion in your relationship, it’s a sign of chronic emotional strain, often caused by abuse.
7. Your Reality Is Constantly Dismissed (Gaslighting)
Your partner denies things you know happened, twists your words, or makes you feel “crazy” for being upset. Over time, you may begin to doubt your own memory, judgment, or emotional responses.
8. You're Isolated from Others
You spend less time with friends, family, or colleagues because your partner discourages or sabotages those connections, subtly or overtly. You may feel increasingly alone.
9. Emotional Intimacy Is Used as a Weapon
Affection, attention, or support is given only when you “behave.” You’re punished with coldness, stonewalling, or silence when you push back, ask questions, or express needs.
10. You Know Something Has to Change—but Fear the Consequences
You feel trapped, and while you know this isn’t healthy, the idea of confronting your partner or leaving feels terrifying. Still, you sense that without disruption, things will never improve.
If you find yourself nodding your head and agreeing with these signs of emotional abuse, it’s important to understand that all of this must be disrupted.
Have you heard of the quote: "A problem defined is a problem solved"?
It means that only by recognising the signs and symptoms of a problem can you take the first step towards solving it. Once you have clearly identified and can understand a problem, the path to a solution becomes clearer.
Sometimes it takes a breakdown to lead to a breakthrough.
This change won't happen in one simple step.
It may take a separation or some sort of intervention.
It may involve a divorce.
It will takeexpert therapy.
The Bottom Line
Not all abuse leaves visible scars. Emotional abuse can erode your self-worth, confidence, and even your sense of reality over time—often without a single raised voice or obvious outburst.
If you feel yourneeds aren’t being met, that your relationship has too many red flags and may be emotionally unsafe,it’s time to get help.
Our professional team at The Place Retreats can help you recover as we guide you towards clarity, validation, and healing. The centre, located in Bali, Indonesia, is an award-winning, psychotherapeutic retreat that focuses on mind, body and spiritual healing. Founded by world-renowned psychotherapist Jean-Claude Chalmet, The Place Retreats offers guests luxury packages for one week to 90 days.
Contact us for the first step on your healing path.
You are not alone. You are not imagining it. And there is a way forward.