How intimate is your marriage? (It’s not just about sex)

By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 03 October 2025.

A lack of intimacy has been blamed for Nicole Kidman’s recent break-up. Couples therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet on why it matters

The news that actress Nicole Kidman and singer Keith Urban are divorcing after 19 years of marriage feels surprising. To the casual observer, they seemed to be a close, committed couple. Kidman tagged her husband in an Instagram post as recently as May — “Happy Anniversary Baby” with a heart emoji, plus a photo of the pair — he responded with a red heart emoji. Yet reportedly, “The intimacy” wasn’t there.

Urban, reportedly, spoke to friends of his “unhappiness” partly attributed to their unrelenting work schedules. “’Keith never sees Nicole, either she is filming or he is on tour,” a source told one newspaper. Kidman, who was apparently left “blindsided,” filed to end the marriage on Tuesday, citing irreconcilable differences.

For couple therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet, it’s a common story. “With routine, familiarity, admin, stress at work, and parenting, romance falls off the table.” Intimacy is too easily lost. “Intimacy is not just sex,” he says. “It’s connection, emotional safety, touch, playfulness, and communication.”
But separation isn’t always inevitable. From his decades of working with couples in clinic, Chalmet believes, “As intimacy fades, it doesn’t necessarily mean that love has gone.”

If there’s love, there’s hope that closeness can be recovered, although it takes work, humility, and a shift in behaviour and attitude, says Chalmet. Here he advises how any couple who’s drifted apart, can maximise their chances of coming together again. Or, if your relationship is stable, how to make it even stronger, fuel lust, and re-discover the joy of togetherness.

Call one another in the daytime about nothing (and text too)

In a functioning relationship calls about the broken washing machine and your child’s bad cough are in the job description. But messaging “I’m at that work thing feeling awkward — argh, small talk” or sending photos of the new puppy looking reproachful, captioned “Not missing you”, are from the heart. Phone calls are, of course, more obviously intimate but lingering calls at work aren’t always possible. If it’s only hours until you see each other again a simple text implies “I thought of you, I wanted to share”. It’s a love note. Send it without expectation. If they can’t or don’t reply and you brood, it fuels resentment.

Focus on the small moments, not the grand gestures

Washing your partner’s top because they need it for tomorrow and have forgotten, or picking up tomato juice or figs — their favourite — is meaningful. It’s unglamorous, even dull, but these small acts communicate to your partner that you’re thinking about them or, as we say in therapy, “holding them in mind”. It’s what everyone yearns for — to be understood, considered and valued. It’s why the seemingly mundane gestures — making a cup of tea (in the favourite mug), filling a hot-water bottle (for their backache) — induce real warmth. There’s no need to pay for an aeroplane to puff out “I love you” in the sky. Your own smaller actions are more convincing than words or grand gestures.

Don’t stop kissing (or start kissing again)

There’s a beautiful purity to kissing for kissing’s sake. It’s not transactional. You build trust and intimacy. There’s so much to be gained when you can kiss as an end in itself. But men especially need to be careful. In my practice a common complaint from women is, “If I give in on kissing, I’ll have to have sex.” Especially if the kissing is on the sofa or in bed. I say to men, “Be sensitive, read your partner’s body language.” If kissing happens, keep it at the kissing. If it goes further, make sure you give your partner an orgasm without demanding one yourself. It’s so important to show what you’re willing to give, rather than take.

• 8 reasons not to get a divorce, by a couples therapist

Hold hands on the sofa

Holding hands on the sofa is calming and bonding, an oxytocin booster. Touch isn’t just about attraction — it shows you’re interested in your partner. So hug too, for at least 20 seconds. When you do that, tenderness becomes a natural part of your day. It is literally bonding. For me, the rule is 12 hugs a day, but it can be three, six, nine, depending on your tactility levels, though if your partner is more touchy-feely than you, a hug is a gift. I never refuse one. If you’re too angry you might say, “I can’t.” But later do ask, “Can I have my hug now, please?”

How much date night matters — the truth

A candlelit dinner? Nice, but a bit stiff. The opera? Lovely, but not much chat. I suggest silliness. Go to Alton Towers or Hampton Court Maze. Ride donkeys. A date “night” should be about laughing together. Those in-jokes and moments of joy are like glue, binding you. They show your partner you want to be with them. So make “date night” playful, light and without expectation. I’m a great believer in dance classes. Movement and touch allow for tenderness, sensuality and fun. Plus it’s quality time away from the kids. That said, even if one partner is visiting B&Q after work and asks for your company, say yes. Routine is only an intimacy killer if you can’t make each other smile or laugh.

How to make it work if one or both of you travels a lot

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, provided reuniting is a joy. “When I come back, let’s do this together” should be your motto, be it a visit to a favourite café or watching the sunset. How long is too long apart? It should be love that draws you back together, not fear. Should you rule on time limits? The question is, what can you both tolerate? Finding out means communicating and negotiating. When one partner is away, one phone call a day, preferably a video call, is better than 50 messages.

Allow your partner to change

Once you both loved clubbing and kebabs. Now you’re a foodie, your partner’s a clean eater and it’s lights out at 10pm. Whether these shifts make or break the relationship depends on where you both stand. Is it back to back, holding hands, facing the world? Or is it pressed nose to nose, monitoring your partner’s mood, moves and reactions? The first position means you accept and enjoy that each sees the world differently, yet you stand together. You understand that we change and, to remain close, we recalibrate. You’re supportive and supported. The second position is stultifying. A partner who allows you to be yourself, to evolve, to do things you were never allowed to do as a child or couldn’t afford, is hugely important. They share in your joy. It fosters intimacy. Trying to control and cling withers it.

Be curious about one another

It doesn’t take much to create the opportunity for curiosity and connection. Agree to switch off your phones for 20 minutes every evening, or go for a walk, or cook together. Do something new or rekindle a habit from the past. Or if you feel daring and confident, buy a pack of conversation cards to spark discussion. From questions such as “What would you like me to do more of?” to “Choose a memory you both share, perhaps of an old acquaintance or an embarrassing incident — and act it out using mime”, they’re thought-provoking, funny and often provocative. One has to be brave as they dig into the core of relationship issues. But this is the person you sleep next to. You should be able to ask. If you can’t, resentment builds. Resentment is one of the biggest reasons sex and intimacy wither.

Fix the emotional hurt for sex to get better

If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, physical attraction is the first thing to go. One can feel morally repulsed. And while “going off” sex can be a way of reasserting power, it’s usually self-protective. You’ll avoid being vulnerable with the person who caused you emotional pain. I see this in clinic and not always because someone has cheated. If your partner takes you for granted, it’s difficult to feel attracted to them. Couples then become stuck because intimacy requires openness but when there’s distrust and pain, communicating honestly is an emotional risk. So to avoid sex people fall asleep on the sofa or overeat, passive-aggressively conveying lack of interest. The situation can improve if both want it to — and if both can be truthful, tactful and share responsibility.

Can a long-term relationship survive with little or no sex?

Many couples quietly struggle with having little or no sex. It’s the case with maybe 75 per cent of couples I see. Some have no sex at all, or one or both complain of not enough. I ask, “When did you first notice or feel that intimacy started to shift? When it happened, was it emotional, physical or both? Did one go before the other?” These questions aren’t to identify who’s to blame, they’re to achieve clarity. A long-term relationship can survive, even thrive, with no or little sex, if both parties talk and agree that it’s not what they need any more. But if one or both are miserable that sex has dwindled, whether the root cause is emotional, physical or relational, a conversation must be initiated. There’s often shame or guilt associated with intimate issues so it requires tenderness and tact.

• How to break a sex stalemate: the therapist’s 10-point plan

How to start that difficult conversation to bring you together

Clients ask, “How do we begin to talk to each other?” The first rule is: not when you’re already in conflict. Never say “you always” or “you never” or “you don’t”. Your aim is to rebuild emotional safety, not wound more deeply, so use careful language. Say, “I really miss those nights we slept close to each other.” To create an atmosphere of compatibility and togetherness, choose words to produce oxytocin, the “love” hormone. And if you’re holding on to resentment, bring it into the open with care. “I realise I’ve been holding on to what you did or said. I’d like to talk about it so I can let go of it.” You’re choosing closeness over distance. And if you’re hearing this from your partner? Listen. Defensiveness is counterproductive. Be pragmatic — your goal is to repair. Being listened to is very healing, and feeling understood can be the best sorry of all.

Show that you care about yourself

Our bodies change with age and I find with my couples in clinic that some extra wobble and heft rarely bothers anyone if there’s confidence, humour, warmth and enthusiasm. But often there’s crossover — one partner is simply not making enough effort, with themselves and the relationship. To be frank, women tend to try more with their appearance and health than men (that beer gut is not sexy, but if you’re selfish nor is a six pack). If you neglect yourself and your hygiene is sloppy, it’s arrogant to expect your partner to find you attractive.

• Read more expert advice on sex, relationships, dating and love

Men, nothing compensates for being selfish in bed

Selfishness in bed (and I’m afraid it’s more often the man) creates a huge barrier to intimacy. A common complaint in my clinic from women is, “He’s not interested in whether I have an orgasm or not.” Plus a surprising number of men love receiving oral sex yet aren’t returning the favour. Some of these men are attentive in the sitting room and kitchen, but if in the bedroom they think only of themselves, this behaviour looks like compensation. Like buying a lavish bouquet when you’ve behaved badly, it feels more like a bribe to guilt her into forgiveness (instead of you earning it by changing your attitude) than a token of your esteem.

The Place Retreats Bali can help you to build the strong relationship with your partner. Contact us today for a no obligation conversation. Or join us on one of our award-winning retreats in Bali.