Make lust last: how your sex life can improve with age

By Jean-Claude Chalamet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 20 February 2026.

You’ve heard of lifespan and healthspan, now experts say your ‘sexspan’ is a pillar of longevity. Couples therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet on how to boost yours

A satisfying sex life into your eighties — maybe even beyond — is not only possible, but it’s also normal. About 59 per cent of men and 34 per cent of women aged between 70 and 80 report still being sexually active, according to research. In my clinic, what I see backs up these figures from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing — many clients (though not all) in their seventies and eighties tell me that sex is an important part of their relationship.

While health can significantly affect libido and what’s possible, a lot of older adults maintain satisfying sex lives by adapting to changes and challenges. Many even discover that in later years, their sex life is more fulfilling than it ever was. Here’s how.

Don’t fret about how you look — how you feel matters more

No one loves to see their body ageing, and some people find it particularly depressing. I would argue that there’s an immaturity to that attitude that will limit you in life and in the bedroom. I talk to my clients in their sixties and beyond about how they are privileged: not everyone gets to this stage. It’s those who recognise this and appreciate their body for what it can do and has done — not what it can’t — who continue to enjoy sex as they age.

Our society worships youth and insists that sex is for the young, so this attitude doesn’t always come naturally. It requires strength of mind and confidence to feel comfortable in your skin. But in later life, as far as sex appeal is concerned, confidence is far more important than your looks. Confident people are interested in others — which enables healthy connection — and they have vibrancy and allure. It’s a virtuous circle, because knowing that your partner finds you attractive boosts your confidence even more. 

But do look after yourself and your body

A healthy body supports a healthy sex life. I notice among my clients that if men, in particular, let themselves go physically, they’ve also let go of their needs and desires. It’s often because there’s been a realisation in midlife that they haven’t lived, they’ve merely existed. They’ve had an unfulfilling career, a marriage that has become operational. Now, learning to live looks arduous and disinterest becomes their armour because they think it’s too late. This bitterness and beer belly combination kills libido in a couple. Men don’t know how to get out of the rut and are scared to try.

I tell clients that identifying and seeking out what gives your life meaning is a choice you make. Get off the sofa, and connect your mind and body to your heart. It can’t happen if you neglect yourself. Take care of your body and soul as you deserve — dare to attune yourself to your needs — and you’ll find your fire.

You’re not 25 any more — but you can be in spirit

It’s vital to unshackle ourselves from the libido-killing notion that for sex to be good, it must be as it was when we were 25. If we’re honest with ourselves, sex then was often about performance, priapism, prowess — for many men, their partner’s orgasm was a ticked box for the ego (never mind that she was probably faking it). Later in life, it becomes more apparent to those who pay attention that feeling and finesse rule, that slow sex is more tantalising and teasing. One client in her seventies tells me her motto is “older, slower, better” — recognition that a slow burn, when you become immersed in the heat and spark between you, is deliciously sensual. Not giving a damn about performance frees you to relish every moment. 

Want ‘interesting’ sex? You need to ask for it

Those whose sexspan has longevity wisely retain the best parts of their 25-year-old selves — the enthusiasm, the optimism. They can awaken that youthful spirit and can still be that version of themselves. These qualities don’t fade with age unless we believe they do. Often this stage of life is a wake-up call — life doesn’t last for ever, and if we don’t prioritise pleasure now we never will. As a rule, I find people in later life to be less hesitant, more determined to find fulfilment. Some clients tell me they want interesting sex, so I ask “Can you define it? What does that mean for you? Are you willing to shed your emotional defences?” Only if they’re brave enough to expose themselves physically and emotionally and ask for what they want do they have a chance of getting it.

Orgasms are not the be-all and end-all

Yes, orgasms are glorious but as we age, they can become weaker, more elusive — or, for medical reasons, simply not possible — and chasing them or believing that sex is invalid without them is self-defeating. When orgasm is the sole focus of sex, the stamp of authenticity on which your self-image and satisfaction rests, it sucks the joy out of it. You can’t get lost in the moment. 

My mature clients whose sex lives remain as fabulous as they are don’t over-value orgasms at the expense of real sexual intimacy — meaning there’s no pressure, just the sheer thrill of exploring, having fun together, and giving pleasure. 

Humour, honesty and conversation are vital ingredients now

A sense of humour is priceless where sex is concerned — at 21, 43, or 76. It allows that sex is often ridiculous, imperfect, that bodies are unpredictable, prone to not doing what we would like, and it enables self-forgiveness, a lighthearted playfulness and an understanding that if you want this, there’s always a way. Crucially, it banishes shame. Especially in later life, those with a fulfilling sex life accept that there will be roadblocks but we need to find humour (even bleak humour) in our challenges. That means persisting, refusing to punish ourselves for being older, trying new options, and actively pursuing solutions if available. 

Honest communication between a couple is also critical. Those with a robust sexspan have realised you’re better off talking about these matters and they don’t give a damn about embarrassment. When you’re emotionally open about your body, intimacy, and sex — how you feel, what you love, loathe, would like to try — and you’re interested in what the other person feels and wants, the intimacy that results makes you wish you had adopted this common-sense approach 40 years ago.

Lust and love are a powerful combination (but you might have to work at the lust)

Lust is spontaneous when you’re newly in love, but after 30 years it rarely appears out of nowhere. Those who are older but wiser understand that they have to create it intentionally. They embrace the art of anticipation (every successful couple has their shorthand — indicating, “I’m interested, do you fancy it…”). They find ways to entice each other. They don’t take their partner for granted, which is one of the biggest passion-killers.

When older clients aren’t having sex and wish it were different, I ask them to imagine, “What would it be like if you didn’t have this person in your life any more?” And then, “What do you need to do to ensure that doesn’t happen?” Love and lust do not self-maintain. They require effort and investment — but you’ll reap the benefits. If you want career promotion, you work for it, and so it goes in a relationship. Valuing and nurturing your emotional intimacy with your partner is the stepping stone to a rewarding physical relationship. 

Focus on what you can do in bed, not what you can’t

If you feel old, you act old. Those with a younger mindset are content with what they have yet don’t limit themselves — they remain daring, forthright and they want to have fun. My clients in their eighties who maintain a satisfying sex life confide that inside they feel no older than 50. They’re not constrained by the tedious opinions of others. Also, while some positions or full sex might not be doable, they have learnt to celebrate what they have. And they reject self-pity — they focus on what’s possible. Such people prize imagination, and possess the wisdom to see that they’re free to reinvent and rediscover sex on their own terms. If both partners are aligned in this attitude, and it’s that powerful connection they work on, then passion can smoulder white hot. 

Don’t be joined at the hip — independent interests maintain sexual tension

The challenge in a long-term relationship is not to get so comfortable and cosy, so overfamiliar, merged and inert that there’s no space for desire to grow — you can stifle lust by being too close. It’s why couples with a long sexspan nurture and protect their individuality and separate identities. They don’t forget who they are. They realise that if you’re in the same house 24/7, it can create boredom, frustration and resentment, and even if you’re perfectly civil, there’s emotional distance. It’s your differences, independent interests and playful opposition that maintain sexual tension between you or allow it to flourish in those promising moments. Successful couples still surprise each other. 

There are many ways to have a fulfilling sex life

A lot of men hold back from intimacy if they can’t get or sustain an erection, or even think that they will struggle. While medications like Viagra are a game-changer for many men (although do check that erectile difficulties aren’t linked to a cardiovascular issue) sometimes an erection is no longer physically possible. Yet there’s no physical reason that the sexual connection can’t continue. There’s a wealth of other ways to have and give pleasure, enjoy sex and feel close to your partner.

They may think it’s pride that is stopping them but actually it’s shame. Shame leads men to shut themselves off and deny themselves and their partner pleasure. They fear they have nothing to offer and pointlessly punish themselves. In my clinic, we dissect shame. Does it mean you are a bad person? No, obviously. Clients realise that it’s all in their mind. They learn that accepting help is not weak, it’s a sign of maturity, strength and self-care, all extremely attractive qualities. Believing you deserve a good sex life is the first step to making it a reality.