Are you spending too much time together? It could be bad for your marriage

By Jean-Claude Chalamet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 01 May 2026.

Joined at the hip? No separate nights out? The top couples therapist on why it could damage your relationship

When you and your partner are around each other constantly, that closeness can backfire. Even contented couples can quietly drift into a state of togetherness that suffocates their relationship. I have seen it many times with couples in the clinic. Their happy little bubble starts to feel boring. That creeping dissatisfaction is often a surprise because their marriage is neither toxic nor broken. What they have, paradoxically, is too much of a good thing.

It is surprisingly common. The fusion between you feels natural, powerful and euphoric when you get together. Then life’s logistics — work, routine, kids — provide a reality check, your social circle shrinks, there’s less time, you’re tired, and comfort and cosiness become your default position. Your relationship is easy-going and being close feels like a sanctuary — never mind that every day is, as one client put it, “much of a muchness”.

Ease of replacing effort in a marriage is not necessarily a good sign. It means that both partners are losing their independence and spark, and that spells danger. But if they can recognise the amber signals and instigate small yet fundamental changes, their relationship will become refreshed, nourished, more resilient and truly intimate. Here are the signs to look out for:

You rarely socialise without your partner

In the clinic, I ask each partner in a too-close couple, “How many individual friendships have you cultivated in the past five years?” If they have merged into a monolithic “you complete me” entity, the answer is usually, “None.” I also ask, “When you spend time apart, does it feel uncomfortable or refreshing?” In their case, spending time apart never feels refreshing — they feel lost. My third question is: “You love each other, you love your couple-ness, but have you lost yourself?” This is not a relationship emergency yet — it’s 111, not 999 — but it is subtly limiting, and the health of your bond will deteriorate. If you have a decent sex life and a good rapport, you may not notice the loss of individuality. But you need to, because eventually, lack of independence is the death of a couple.

You catch one another’s moods — if one’s stressed, so is the other

A common sign of “two-muchness” is a partner’s mood dictating yours. If they are stressed, you become stressed, and then you start bickering and competing over who is more stressed. Essentially, one person feels overwhelmed and wants support, but their partner can’t give it. As we therapists say, they can’t “hold and contain” the other’s emotion. (Imagine if your toddler fell over and instead of offering a hug and kissing it better, you said, “Stop crying, I can’t deal with this now.” This is the partner equivalent.) If you’re too close, you take their mood personally. When there is a healthy amount of space in a relationship, that appropriate emotional distance facilitates a calm and understanding response. Each person has more confidence in themselves and in the other person. You can soothe them. You can say, “I’ll shoulder this one.” 

Your close circle is all couples

Your social life is revealing. Does it consist of your partner and one or two other couples? When you decide to do something, do you call these friends first to see if they want to do it too? This keeps you in an echo chamber. There is no variety, no space. Everything is same-same, especially if the other couples also talk exclusively in terms of “we”. Couples often pretend to themselves that they are shaking things up — because they ordered a different takeaway last week or ate at so-and-so’s instead of going out — but they are having the same conversations with the same people. It is safe but dull. Complacency has replaced effort. I remind too-close couples that a lack of individuality can make outside attention feel electric. Affairs are often not about love — they’re about people rediscovering a lost self.

She has friends, but he doesn’t

Either partner can be friendless, but it is more often the man — a case of “my wife understands me”. It is the most dangerous situation a too-close couple can be in and is often a prelude to divorce. The marriage is as lopsided as the sinking Titanic. The woman feels guilty or is guilt-tripped when she sees friends, if the man has none. If he’s passive-aggressive — “Out with Clare again? Whatever” — she may cut short her evening. He acts like an abandoned child or a Pinocchio puppet animated only when his wife is around. It’s laziness. In the clinic, I encourage self-reflection. Why does he think his wife has friends and he doesn’t? This imbalance can create mutual resentment and frustration. He feels left behind or not prioritised, and she rightly resents that having a bit of space is a negotiation and that she does all the emotional labour, while he’s passive. I encourage the man to see the situation as an opportunity to reconnect with old friends or interests and as a catalyst to injecting energy into himself and the relationship. Otherwise, it is not sustainable. 

Fights can feel intense

When a too-close couple fights or has a disagreement, it always feels heavier because neither one has the emotional or physical space to reset. In practical terms, if you can go out with your friends for a drink or a coffee or a gym session, that time apart allows you to have a cooling-off period after an argument. Or you can talk to a friend who could say, “I think you’re being a bit harsh. Perhaps he was worried, but it came out wrong.” It leads to better resolutions because if you’re more independent, you have more capacity for perspective. When you’re nose-to-nose, there is no perspective. You are less emotionally resilient. Any row feels personal and threatening. You’ve put all your eggs in this one basket, so you can’t tolerate any cracks. That puts immense pressure on the relationship.

Being joined at the hip is a passion killer

Being together day in, day out is a passion killer. No matter how innately sexy you are, a relationship with little external input becomes dull. What do you have to tell each other? You already know everything. You experience everything together. It shrinks your world. You have fewer ideas, no inspiration, and you certainly grow less. And the biggest danger is that your relationship becomes an echo chamber. Couples tend to push back when I suggest this may be a passion killer. I say, “There’s no more mystery, intrigue or novelty. All of that drops away, and your partner still excites you?” Desire thrives when there is some distance and difference between you. That’s what creates a frisson. When you’re joined at the hip, you’re more like teammates than lovers. Attraction increases with a little space, surprise and newness. Then you are choosing your partner, not defaulting to them.

There’s too much ‘we’ this and ‘we’ that

“We like this. We like that.” In the clinic, I ask, “When you’re asked a question, do you respond as ‘we’ instead of asking your partner what he or she wants or thinks?” Because if you do, it is likely that you are both suffering from identity erosion. You have lost track of your tastes, likes and dislikes because you are always adjusting to what your partner likes or dislikes. It is a recipe for blandness. But you don’t only lose your opinions. Your resources diminish because you’re not getting energy from going out into the world alone. Everything has become “we” and the “me” has slowly disappeared. I reassure couples that having some independence will strengthen their love and revive the relationship. They will have more to share, more opinions and better conversations. It is new, interesting and unexpected, and of course, that creates greater intimacy.

The girls’ trip or lads’ holiday matters, whatever your age

When we were young, we holidayed with friends and still cherish the memories. But in midlife, when the kids have left home, seizing the chance to go away with the guys or the girls is just as important. I ask couples, “Have you ever thought of having separate lives?” They’re as shocked as if I had suggested they divorce. But I am referring to spending healthy time apart, such as going on a girls’ trip or a lads’ holiday. I say, “You don’t need this space and distance because something is wrong. You need it for things to be right.” A break away with friends is energising, joy-inducing, and it reminds us who we are as individuals. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves, rather than, as can happen, one person being the sole source of connection, stimulation, and support.

How to change — and make new habits stick

If both partners understand the value of creating space in the relationship, change becomes easier. Hobbies, for example, give you time to reflect, to work through uncomfortable feelings and to look after yourself. When you feel more fulfilled as an individual, you have more to give to the relationship. I suggest that each person aims for one solo activity a week — reconnect with a friend, go to the gym or take a class — and slowly build on that. Put solo time in the diary and treat it as if it were a date night. It is crucial that neither partner makes the other feel guilty about the time they want to spend apart. Celebrate it. Encourage it. It will benefit the relationship. Ask, “How was it? What did you get up to? What did you feel?” The balance is in still being there for each other while nurturing separate friendships, hobbies and time apart.

Initiate the conversation without causing upset

When a person in a too-close couple comes alone to my practice, they worry about how to initiate a conversation about spending less time together without causing offence and upset. “My partner will think I want to have an affair.” And very often it does trigger huge insecurities, feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment. To avoid sounding critical, never say, “We spend too much time together.” I recommend, “I love what we have, I just believe we could make it even better.” And, “I want us to have more to bring to each other and make it more interesting.” If your partner snaps, “Oh, are you saying it’s boring?” stay calm and reply, “No, I’m not saying that, but I do miss my solo theatre visits, and I wonder whether you miss playing cricket. I think it will be good for us to fix this. I think we’d both feel more energised with a bit more occasional space. We are a solid couple. We have nothing to lose, only something to gain.”

How to make the time you spend together count

The sofa, the television and a bag of crisps will not rekindle your love life. A few of my clients flinched while watching last year’s Netflix comedy The Four Seasons, when Steve Carell’s character described the state of his marriage: “We’re like co-workers at a nuclear facility. We sit in the same room all night monitoring different screens.” Make your time together count by prioritising novelty in the form of new places and new activities. Understand that this is about becoming alive again, in yourselves and as a couple. If you practise emotional flatness, it will build until one day your marriage will flatline on the monitor. 

Your relationship runs the risk of quietly becoming not quite enough. And that is what you have to watch. The healthiest couples are interdependent. They are metaphorically standing back to back, holding hands, seeing the world from different perspectives and sharing that. Co-dependence is when they’re suffocatingly “inseparable”, standing nose to nose, watching each other’s reactions constantly, carefully adjusting their opinions and behaviours to mirror each other. It makes for a brittle, bland and boring relationship. Closeness is not about doing everything together; it is about choosing each other again and again when you have your own full and separate lives.