Adolescence. I couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened with my teens. It’s one of those changes that occur so slowly you don’t notice anything until bam, it just hits you. Remember the small dimples in your child’s chubby hands? They were always there, and suddenly, one day, you look down, and they’re gone. Forever. When did it happen? You’ll never know.
That’s how it is with adolescence as well. Some parents get the terrible twos, some get the terrible tweens and teens. Many of us get all three! But one thing is for sure, the change seems to appear overnight. There’s no one defining moment of “Oh, here we are, you’ve turned 13, let the games begin!” If only it were that easy.
The period of transformation has been going on for quite some time. It just seems that one day you know this sweet, predictable child and the next, they are defiantly slamming doors and with that act, effectively shutting you out as well.
You might find yourself thinking, “Who is this creature that dresses strangely, spends all of their time on their phone, in their room or out with their friends?”
The kid who liked to go hiking with the family now wants to stay home and practice guitar. The teen who happily hung out with you after school now walks past you, locks the door and insists on privacy. Your shy, quiet child who rarely spoke up is now an outspoken activist and challenges everyone around them.
These are the teen years — a roller coaster of emotions, ever-changing interests, opinions, deeply held convictions (until next week) and an evolving sense of identity. If you think you’re confused, try putting yourself in their hormone-heavy shoes and think about how they feel.
While you’re trying to find your child, they’re busy trying to find themselves.
Adolescence, with all of its questioning, experimenting, and exploring, is one of the most important periods of identity development and healthy psychological growth.
These years aren’t just about finding yourself, but the start of something far more important — the beginning of the lifelong process of becoming yourself.
Identity is everything
Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson famously described adolescence as the stage of “Identity vs Role Confusion.” During this period, young people begin asking some of life’s biggest questions:
- Who am I?
- Where do I belong?
- What do I believe?
- What kind of person do I want to become?
These questions aren’t necessarily asked consciously; the teens probably aren’t sitting in their rooms pondering the meaning of their existence, but more often, these questions emerge through experimentation and exploration.
Teenagers are known for trying out new friendship groups, hobbies, clothing styles, interests, values, and ways of expressing themselves. They may become passionate about causes they previously knew little about and, in the process, adopt new viewpoints, challenge family traditions, or reject previously held ideas or beliefs.
To adults, these shifts can be baffling and sometimes contradictory.
For teenagers, this is an essential process of self-discovery and a necessary step to adulthood.
Everything is extremely important
Many adults look back on adolescence and wonder why everything felt so big, heavy and potentially devastating.
From a disagreement with a friend to feeling criticised about appearance, these things hit so hard that the feelings might linger for months. Teens are incredibly conscious of how they are perceived by others, and social acceptance can be closely tied to self-worth.
Adolescence is a period of heightened self-awareness where everything is magnified and of absolute importance.
At the same time, teenagers are beginning to psychologically separate from their parents and establish themselves as independent individuals.
This potentially combustible combination creates a period when questions of identity and belonging become the focus, with a strong desire to fit in while also standing out.
It’s a navigation tightrope for parents and teens alike.
Experimentation station
Experimentation is undoubtedly one of the most important parts of the teen years. Think about it: when will you ever again have the time, energy, and freedom to try new activities, explore different social groups, and test out various identities? True, the university years allow for this, but the stakes are higher. Adolescence gives young people the opportunity to gather more information about themselves than potentially any other period in their lives.
They learn what feels authentic and what doesn’t as they discover values, preferences, boundaries, and aspirations.
This process is far from linear.
Your teen may come to a family holiday gathering as a goth girl one year, and the next, she’s dressed up as an aspiring K-Pop singer. The possibilities are endless.
This doesn’t mean confusion, just exploration.
Growing up online
Today’s teens face challenges that previous generations never imagined, let alone experienced, as identity development now takes place both offline and online.
Social media provides amazing opportunities for connection, community, creativity, and self-expression. This is especially crucial for teens who feel isolated in their local environment, as the online world offers them the opportunity to connect with others who share their experiences, interests, or struggles.
However, social media can also create intense pressure as young people are exposed to a constant stream of curated identities, lifestyles, and opinions.
Instead of quietly exploring who they are, today’s teens often find themselves pressured to perform their identity in front of an audience.
Gender, sexuality, and self-discovery
For many teens, the question of “who am I?” also includes questions about gender, sexuality, or both, with some identifying as LGBTQIA+.
They may begin to question what is “normal” anyway? Who gets to decide?
Who am I attracted to?
Why do I have to limit myself, define myself, put myself into a box with a label?
It’s a lot to think about as attraction, relationships, gender expression, and sexual experiences all begin to converge.
You may have a teen who questions aspects of their identity for a long time before arriving at an answer. Some might prefer to keep things open and fluid. There is no answer.
And many others will never question anything at all. They simply know.
There is no single path, and there’s no right or wrong answer; it’s all part of the sexual identity experience.
Parents who can remain open, curious, and accepting with their teens create a trusting environment where questions can be explored safely and honestly.
Support and connection
The teen years can be a challenge, there’s no doubt about it. Witnessing your child change into a new person can be uncomfortable on the best days and extremely trying on the worst. Most days, it’s a roller coaster for teens and parents alike. And that’s OK, because adolescence is, by its very nature, a period of deep uncertainty.
To expect a smooth ride would be foolish. The important thing to remember is that this, too, shall pass. True, the bad days can be painful, but this stage will not last forever!
No point in rushing it, you can’t. The best thing is to stay curious.
Ask questions.
Listen more than you speak.
Don’t offer advice unless they ask.
Allow room for exploration, but also for mistakes.
Most importantly, prioritise connection over control.
Teenagers are far more likely to share their inner world with you when they feel seen and heard rather than judged.
Becoming yourself is a lifelong journey
Many people think identity is something we establish during the teen years and carry unchanged into adulthood.
The reality is far more complex.
Adults often forget that most of us didn’t become who we are today without trying on a lot of personalities along the way. And who says we ever have to stop? Life is constantly changing, and we continue to evolve. Relationships, careers, parenthood, loss, success, failure, and new experiences all shape our understanding of who we are and who we want to be.
Adolescence is simply the beginning of that journey.
At The Place Retreats Bali, we offer award-winning luxury wellness retreats to help parents and teens find a safe space to explore their identities. Our Balinese tropical sanctuary is designed to promote growth through holistic therapies, movement practices, and mindfulness techniques.
Through individualised therapy sessions (including EMDR, CBT, and DBT), Kundalini yoga, meditation, and deep tissue matrix healing, our expert team offers a personalised approach to address the entire family.
If you feel your family could use a little help with this stage of life, contact us today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help.