Recently, I had an encounter that made me think about how we approach friendships as kids versus adults. Why are some of us having such a difficult time making friends? Was it always this hard? And what can we do about it?
I was in the elevator of my building when the doors popped open, and a little girl with an eager grin stood before us. We weren’t getting off. She wasn’t getting on!
“Hello”, she squeaked. I smiled warmly and returned her greeting.
“Do you speak French?” she questioned with that same wide smile.
“Oui, un petit peu,” I responded in French, “yes, a little bit.”
I honestly didn’t think her smile could get any wider, but she belted out a “Bonjour!!” as the doors closed and she ran down the stairs.
My children, rather introverted teens, looked at me with bewilderment. “Who is she? Do you know her?”
I assured them I did not, but wasn’t she absolutely delightful — and brave!
They wanted to know why I thought she was so brave, and it opened up a conversation about approaching people, introducing yourself and the art of simply saying “Hello!”
“Would you do that?” I asked them.
Most definitely not was the answer.
It got me wondering about what happens to that beautiful childhood joy that grants us the enviable ability to simply open up to people and start talking. Granted, some people never lose that ability, and it’s a thing of marvel, but by 16, my teens had long passed that age of “freedom of caring”.
For the record, they were never the most outgoing kids on the playground, but I was the kid yelling hello in French to perfect strangers. I would talk to and play with anyone, never hesitating to make the first move. Now? I’m not as sure of myself or perhaps a bit worried about the other person being receptive to my advances – even for friendship.
When and where did we lose that ability to fearlessly walk up to someone and be the first one to break the ice?
Making friends used to be easy
Go to any playground or park, and you’ll quickly observe that kids seem to think nothing of running up to the new boy or girl and asking, “Do you want to play?” Kids of all ages do this with such ease; they have no inhibitions or filters, just a pure joy to share the love of play.
When life transitions to the classroom, summer camp, or sports activities, the same kids are easily putting themselves out there and forming fast bonds. There’s such an abundance of options to choose from and find your “people”. It’s almost as if there’s not much else to do except go make friends!
The transition into puberty and middle school start to get quite a bit harder, and this is when the friendship groups and cliques can be tightly formed. If you’re the new kid in school? That’s a tricky age to start over again. As upper school advances and university looms, a new friendship window also opens.
University years can be some of the best for making the kinds of friendships that carry us through adulthood. The forced proximity of classrooms, majors, dorms, cafeterias, and the abundance of extracurricular activities, activism, parties, and all sorts of other options create a massive opportunity to explore different kinds of people and friendships. If there was a “label” we had before, these years are a clean slate to explore, experience and reinvent ourselves and who we surround ourselves with.
Where do I make friends now?
Maybe this is also why it seems so difficult to make friends as an adult. We’re coming down off a “friendship high”, a surplus of supply to a dwindling amount of…where did all of the people go? Some will take a gap year (and they will find more people than ever before!), but most go straight to the new life of work, work and more work. If you fancy your co-workers, this is great! The forced proximity once again keeps you deep in friends. But what if you don’t particularly care for your work colleagues? Or what if they’ve known each other for so long you feel like the perpetual outsider. Or you’d like to keep a healthy boundary between work and private life?
Where is the unlimited supply of unplanned interaction and fast-tracked vulnerability you used to experience? Sadly, it’s not there anymore, and it’s not coming back again, at least not to that extent. But don’t give up hope; there are still options. It’s just going to take a little bit more time and effort.
Making friends as an adult: A new chapter
It’s time to take steps and get creative because you’ll have to put yourself out there and make some connections. This can feel a little bit scary, but remember everyone else is doing and thinking the same thing. Sure, it’s hard to make the first move, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. So where should you try?
Bars are the obvious choice for many people, and you will find people to talk to, but if you’re looking for substance of a different kind, you’re going to have to branch out.
What are your hobbies? What is something you’ve always wanted to learn? Now is the time to try it! Are there any volunteer groups you want to join? How about a running club with a social component? Go hiking. Find a book club or start one yourself.
Interested in yoga, meditation, breathwork? There are all sorts of groups, classes and retreats where you’ll meet like-minded people. If you have a religious or spiritual practice, you’ll find your people in these spaces.
And if someone approaches you? Take a chance and say yes (unless, of course, it doesn’t feel right and you absolutely mean no). It’ll take practice and bravery, but it will get easier and easier to meet people.
Friend-date
No matter your age or stage in life, the same rules apply: You’ll have to try new things and put yourself out there if you want to meet new people and make new friends. This is especially true if you’ve moved to a new city or had a major life change like a divorce and need a fresh start, with new opportunities and a chance to meet other people.
If you’ve already been trying online dating, don’t discount apps with “friend” features. It’s a great way to see who is out there, just like you, looking to connect. Similar to first dates, friend-dates might also feel a bit awkward or strange. After all, forming new connections requires taking risks no matter whether you meet in person or online. So the next time you’re eyeing concert tickets, but you don’t want to go alone, hit up an online app and see who you can meet up with; you might just find your new best friend that way.
Just keep trying
The best thing to do is to stay consistent and keep trying to make connections. If you go to the gym, show up at the same time every day. You’ll soon find an entire community of fitness enthusiasts who share the same vibe and schedule as you. If you try gym after gym, you won’t meet so many people. You get the idea.
Will you get rejected? Yes, of course. Some people will say no, some will stand you up and ghost you, and some simply won’t be your vibe. That’s ok. Maybe they didn’t have the capacity, or the timing simply wasn’t right. Don’t take it personally; just put yourself out there again.
Making friends as an adult is a lot more difficult than when we were younger, but the relationships we form in adulthood tend to be stronger and deeper than in our younger years.
Cherish all of the friends you have. After all, you can never have too many.
The Place Retreats Bali — a place for friends
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Bring yourself, bring a friend.
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