By Jean-Claude Chalamet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 10 July 2026.
From having a ‘turn-off audit’ to scheduling disagreements, the psychotherapist Jean-Claude Chalmet explains the conversations you need to have.
Love shouldn’t run on autopilot. You need to invest in your relationship. Doing so takes effort, consideration and affection — every day.
You don’t have to agree on everything (sometimes disagreement can even be stimulating). You don’t need to spend every minute of every day together. But do make time to really listen to each other — and never stop kissing or holding hands. My advice to every couple is: don’t wait for a crisis to take your relationship seriously. It’s great if everything is motoring along nicely, but that doesn’t mean switching to cruise control. Here’s what I tell my clients.
What to say when your partner comes home from work
Do you just shout “Hello!” and stamp upstairs, or say “How was your day?” without looking up or listening to the answer? A quick test — do you greet your dog with more enthusiasm than your partner?
I say to couples, make an effort on the inside of your relationship. Why not greet your husband or wife with a kiss or a hug? Make eye contact. Restart this as a habit. If your partner asks how you are, and your day was awful, can you tell them about it without launching into a tirade? Don’t use your marriage as your emotional landfill, where you essentially dump all your rage. With friends, we’re conscious that it’s nice to be entertaining even if we’re ranting. A little of that wouldn’t go amiss in our relationships.
It’s not easy, but every couple needs to do a ‘turn-off audit’
When couples want to improve their sex life, I encourage them to remind each other of what their partner does, or did, that turns them on. But it’s far harder to talk about what your partner does that crushes your desire stone dead — wearing those baggy grey sweatpants or relentlessly complaining. Every marriage needs this sticky conversation, but very few couples have it because a “turn-off audit” is possible only if you both feel safe enough to speak honestly.
It’s not about humiliation, blaming or making your partner feel inadequate. As I say to couples in the clinic, “This is not an invitation to be cruel under the guise of honesty.” It should be a mature, respectful and useful discussion.
You might start by saying, “What happens between us that slowly switches the relationship off?” Or, “What can I do better to be attractive to you?” (Reply with the utmost care.) It’s how you learn about your partner’s acceptance levels and frustrations. You don’t have to change your behaviour but perhaps modify a little. Show that what they feel matters to you.
How to approach the everyday annoyances with one another
Who in a long-term relationship doesn’t take verbal shortcuts? The danger is when easy familiarity slips into brusqueness, and from there it’s a short distance to contempt. You’re busy, a little irritated, so your words are sharp and nicety-free. “I’ve told you before. Can you please not put that there?” But relationships are living systems, and they’re either being tended or slowly neglected. Soften the request. Saying “darling” goes a long way, and explain briefly why and ensure your tone is neutral.
You both set the emotional climate in your marriage, and I ask clients to describe theirs. It’s a question all couples should consider. Is it warm, neutral, generous, or tense, or quietly lonely? And when you speak to them, what weather system do you evoke? How attuned are you to how you make your partner feel? Take three deep breaths before speaking, and ensure you don’t sound condescending or rude. If you know an exchange will be tricky, ask when it is best to have a chat.
Do plenty of things on your own
Much as it’s easy to be together all the time, constant togetherness inevitably diminishes you as a couple. For your relationship to remain vital and for you to stay interesting to each other, it’s better to retain independence. In the clinic, I see disagreement over how much. Even in a solid relationship, one person can feel more insecure and need reassurance — sometimes to the other’s surprise. It requires a conversation to understand why.
If you’re unused to spending time apart, discuss it and start small — go away for the weekend alone or with friends before you jump to organising five-day solo holidays. But if he’s not interested in that yoga retreat in Cornwall, does that mean you’ll never go? Discussion — not issuing vetoes — stops a marriage from becoming a monarchy.
Take care of your appearance and health
In a successful relationship, there’s equilibrium. That means if one person, typically the woman, makes an effort to stay fit, healthy and fabulous, there’s likely to be light tension if the other, usually the man, I’m afraid, makes little effort with his appearance or health. If she has mentioned that strength training is beneficial for men in midlife, take a breath before being defensive and recognise that she cares about you. You don’t have to look like David Gandy, but have the decency not to be complacent, and while you’re about it, trim your nose hair. Wise people tread lightly on this sensitive subject, so your partner may hint rather than be blunt. But it’s unfair to pretend it doesn’t matter.
Conflict avoidance is worse than conflict
It’s healthier to have an argument than to stew. If there’s no conflict at all, it usually means that one person isn’t happy but is sacrificing their needs for the other. Often, a client says in clinic to their partner, “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.” But then resentment builds, and it’s corrosive. In a relationship where there’s fundamental goodwill, a row is not a win-or-lose situation. The goal for both is to better understand each other, and from that, you become even closer.
Yet there are caveats for non-toxicity. Never become careless with your tone or words. And let your partner influence you. If you allow this, it shows you’re willing to adapt and understand. Try to pause before you answer. Often we listen to answer, not to hear — a dangerous dynamic. The question to ask yourself is: what is the softer truth underneath my partner’s resentment, anger or frustration? Often it’s wanting your attention. Then you have a choice as to how to respond.
But give your arguments a time limit — maybe even schedule them
One wise couple I know have a “beef of the week”. I applaud that attitude — acknowledging that disagreement is normal and healthy and doesn’t signify a serious rift. I suggest to some couples that on Thursdays at 6.30 pm to 7.30 pm, they go into a particular room of the house to air their grievances. You do not air them anywhere else or at any other time — that’s your dedicated space. It’s remarkably effective. When people know they’ll have the opportunity to speak out, they’re able to contain the “beef” until then — by which time the intensity of their emotion has usually lessened. It’s easier to be calmer. But it’s not forgotten — they have the chance to be heard, so resentment doesn’t build.
Make a point of remembering why you love and admire your partner
Friendship within the relationship is often what saves marriages. It’s not a decorative extra. It’s a foundational pillar and stabiliser of long-term love. Fondness, ease, humour, and the fact that you’re true companions and allies rather than dutifully in partnership — all this blooms when you remember and appreciate why you’re together. (Don’t confuse merely running a life together with being close.)
Love can possibly survive without constant romance, but love can’t thrive without warmth, and that’s what comes from friendship. And don’t only think about why you admire and love your partner. If you feel grateful, tell them. If they look good in that shirt, say so. Appreciation is the glue between the bricks of a relationship.
Pick your battles — not everything needs to be discussed
In a relationship where you’re close, the reflex can be to speak plainly and honestly about everything. But should you? If your partner forgot to put the rice in the fridge, it’s easier to instantly offload your uncomfortable feeling and share your annoyance. But in good relationships, there is emotional generosity — where you choose not to mention the piffling mistake, or manage your own feelings about a small problem rather than worry your partner unnecessarily. If you can’t, your marriage becomes like a child-parent relationship. Remain an adult. Work some things out yourself — sit with discomfort. It helps resilience and self-sufficiency. Ask yourself, “Before I offload, why am I doing this? Am I sharing it with care, or do I simply want to feel better and my partner can lump it?” Take responsibility for your impact.
You don’t have to agree on everything — and how dull it would be if you did
Assuming they’re not a monster, support your partner in being who they are. That’s what sustains a marriage over time. It means that sometimes you agree to disagree. Some find disagreement to be a personal criticism, which is narrow-minded, a sign of insecurity. That rigidity tends to crush creativity, spontaneity and ultimately intimacy; it’s controlling.
Even if you’re thoroughly annoyed by your partner’s disagreement, in a healthy couple you’ll find it stimulating. Too much sameness is a bore, whereas if you’re allowing the other to have an opinion or belief that’s different from yours without it creating a fissure in your relationship, that person will feel emotionally safe enough to talk about anything at any time. They can be who they are, without fear of being humiliated, diminished — you can argue, work things out, laugh, disagree and thrive.
Less sex doesn’t mean a worse relationship (but no sex I worry about)
When a couple asks if no sex means a worse relationship, I say, “Define relationship. Flatmates is a relationship.” Truthfully, I think a couple relationship without sex is a half-dead relationship, because it means that a vital part of our being isn’t being given the space to thrive. Certainly, you might have to redefine what sex is as you get older. My belief is that almost everybody would like to have a good physical life, but they don’t necessarily look after the foundations needed to build it.
My advice to all couples is to talk about sex before there’s silence about it. Many would rather live with sexual distance than risk an awkward conversation. Disconnection in that department can be for a host of reasons — exhaustion, resentment, grief, stress, low self-esteem, fear of rejection — and not every lull is a crisis. But if sex, affection or desire have become hard to talk about, the silence corrodes intimacy further. It can be such a relief to talk and understand each other. You feel closer. When I sit with couples and open the subject, they erupt like volcanoes, talking about it.
Don’t be scared if your partner changes — let them grow. It could be good for your relationship
Stay curious about the person your partner is today — not the person you met aged 19. Many couples fall into roles and stay there. Within the relationship, one is the competent one, one is the selfish one, the emotional one, the anxious one. These familiar roles make the day-to-day very easy. You don’t have to think. But they crush curiosity and innovation. Your efforts get overlooked, and change goes unnoticed. Your partner looks at you through the same old lens.
Frustrating is the least of it — it drives people apart. I say to couples, “Can you ask yourselves, who have we each become in this relationship and which of these identities no longer serve us?” It can be scary to realise your partner has changed, but you have a chance to embrace it, support it, and grow with it. It’s exciting, even revitalising, for you both.
Understand each other’s love language
The famous five “love languages” (how people prefer to give and receive love) are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. But we all have our own preferred ways of giving and receiving love. Many people show love by how they keep their home, even if they have a demanding career. If it’s a woman who’s doing this, men sometimes assume this is normal — especially if they were spoiled by their mothers. Meanwhile, for many men, their love language is providing financially or doing the ironing (or both). After a while, these too can be taken for granted.
I suggest all couples make their appreciation and gratitude explicit. “I appreciate how hard you’re working,” or, “Thank you for buying that tea I like.” Often our love language isn’t flowery; it’s subtle. The small thoughtful actions that drip-feed the emotional richness and safety of a relationship. Recognising and valuing this makes the other person want to do it more. Ask yourself: what does my partner do to express their love? Then tell them what you notice and admire. Being positively reflected by the person you love is deeply bonding.
Don’t stop kissing and holding hands
How do you protect your intimacy with your partner? Is there an affectionate touch in passing? Perhaps you make each other a cup of tea without having to be asked. You send a text before something important. You kiss when you leave or enter the house. You place a hand on their back, you remember the detail of what they said, and you check in. Those little ordinary gestures that say to the other person, “You matter to me,” are routine. They may look small from the outside, but they’re so important on the inside. It’s important to let your partner know that you choose them, day after day, no matter how hard it has been.
What to do if your partner goes silent
Silence in a relationship can be brutal. It feels like punishment and can speed the derailment of a marriage. But it’s a behaviour that’s not always manipulative. So why it happens, and the effect it has, are conversations to have when things are good between you. Ideally, the silent one (you know who you are) might say, “I know I go quiet when I’m upset or angry. What effect does it have on you?” The other might say, “I just think you’re moody.”
Silence needs explanation. “I go quiet because when you say X, I feel crushed.” Criticism from a loving partner can feel like betrayal. It may remind you of a critical parent or boss and prompt an old survival response. It’s fear, but it looks like sulking. Awareness helps you both to empathise with how the other feels. Explain what’s going on in your head, because how else will your partner understand? You could also say, “I need space until I’m back to baseline,” or, “I’d like you to ask ‘what’s happened?’ or for us to have a hug.”
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
Don’t assume the worst of your beloved. We often do it over little things when we’re tired or sad — crossly accusing them of eating all the chicken when they’ve carefully wrapped your portion and put it in the fridge. We need our partner to believe in us. I advise couples that when their partner behaves strangely or badly, afford them the benefit of the doubt. Believe that they wouldn’t purposely keep you waiting — more likely, their boss cornered them, making them late. In other words, don’t lose sight of the fact that they’re a good person.
You recognise that you don’t yet understand what has led them to an outburst, action or belief — and remind yourself that they wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. Even at times when you feel there’s no excuse for what they’ve said or done, tell yourself that it’s a momentary lapse, that they will remember their better self shortly and be genuinely contrite. This isn’t about you being a doormat. It’s about grace and generosity in a marriage.
Put down the phone
All’s well in your marriage, although you have one tiny complaint: their phone habit. Is your irritation unreasonable? They’re not looking at porn, after all. They’re watching cat or cricket videos. Yet you wake up, and they’ve already picked up their phone from the bedside table. Or you’re trying to sleep, but it’s strangely light in the room, and then you see their face, suffused in that unholy glow as they scroll. You wouldn’t mind if they were reading a book. Why does this feel different? It’s an addiction; that’s why.
Each scroll brings a dopamine hit. Meanwhile, you feel ignored, disrespected, superfluous to requirements. The phone feels more important. Yet even intelligent adults don’t understand quite how addictive and dangerous a habit it is. You exclude everyone. It’s not intentional, however. So don’t snap. Start with a chat. “Darling, can I just tell you about how it makes me feel?” Then they can reflect. Awareness is the first step; then they can consider how to cut back on their habit.
Lasting change often begins with creating the right environment for honest conversation and deeper understanding. Discover how The Place Retreats helps couples strengthen their relationship through personalised therapeutic retreats.