Pause and reflect. We’ve all heard of it, but how often do you practice this in your daily life?
Everyone can relate to a text from a friend or loved one that comes through with a misunderstanding. Perhaps they’ve cancelled long-held dinner plans with you, or they just aren’t showing up in the way you need them to. You’re feeling hurt, confused, maybe even angry and resentful. Before you know it, you start firing off a reply. This is the moment to stop, breathe, pause and reflect. It is not the time to let your current feelings and strong emotions get the best of you. Delete! Do not hit send.
Of course, knowing what you should do and following through are two completely different things. The key is to pause just long enough to give yourself a reality check and ask, “Am I reacting rationally? Do I have all of the information, or am I filling in the blanks and making up my own story? Do I need to respond right now?”
Chances are, giving yourself a bit of space to reflect on the situation will bring you to a calmer state of mind, where you can examine things in the best way possible and formulate a good decision to move forward.
This is the art of emotional intelligence. If you haven’t quite mastered it and find yourself struggling with handling your emotions, the good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned and cultivated in a relatively short amount of time.
What is emotional intelligence?
The term emotional intelligence (also known as EI, emotional quotient or EQ) was first coined and introduced in the 1990s by American psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, who together created the foundational “ability model”, which defines emotional intelligence as a “measurable set of mental skills” that provide useful data rather than simply a personality trait.
Emotional intelligence is made up of emotional awareness, which is the ability to observe, identify, and name your own and others’ feelings and emotions; differentiate between the two; and use that information to effectively control and manage your emotions as they guide your thinking, problem-solving, actions, and conversations.
The theory was further developed by Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, author, and New York Times science journalist who reported on the brain and behavioural sciences. In his work, Goleman laid out five guiding principles for emotional intelligence.
The five components of emotional intelligence
- Self-awareness: The ability to recognise and be aware of your own emotions, feelings, strengths, weaknesses, and how your emotions and feelings affect other people.
- Self-regulation: Managing your emotions and feelings, impulses, and reactions to stay calm under pressure. The capacity to control or redirect disruptive impulses and adapt to changing conditions.
- Motivation: Being driven by a deep intrinsic drive and inner passion to pursue personal goals for internal satisfaction and personal growth rather than money, fame or status.
- Empathy: The ability to understand and share the emotions, feelings, needs, and viewpoints of other people and respond to their emotional reactions.
- Social skills: High proficiency in managing relationships, communicating clearly, navigating social interactions, guiding groups, building networks, and working in teams.
People who have emotional intelligence have mastered this specific skill set and can both regulate their own emotions and help others to do the same.
Need better self-regulation?
Emotionally intelligent people have a better handle on steady self-regulation and managing their emotions. They have cultivated the skill set required to slow down or eliminate impulsiveness and are not hasty or rash with their actions or reactions.
In other words, they think before they do or speak. This level of emotional regulation directly impacts and reduces how intense emotions feel. By “down-regulating”, they can reduce their anger or anxiety as they shift both their internal mindset and their external mood.
Emotional intelligence equals emotional attunement
People with high EQ are more empathic as they are not only tuned into their own thoughts, emotions and feelings but also to the emotions and experiences of others. Empathic people tend to be able to see, hear and understand other’s points of view even if it differs from their own.
Their empathy for difference leads them to be supportive of others, rather than critical or controlling. This internal and external emotional sensitivity makes them far better friends, parents, leaders and romantic partners than those with low emotional intelligence, as being in tune and aware is less work for others.
Are emotionally intelligent people more motivated?
Emotional intelligence doesn’t make someone naturally motivated. There are plenty of people with low EI who are very motivated. However, people with emotional intelligence do tend to mobilise and utilise their emotions and are quite motivated to manage difficult tasks and work towards problem-solving when faced with obstacles.
There seems to be a clear connection to who they are, having strong values and prioritising their goals and objectives in life. All of these things are crucial for productivity, making emotionally intelligent people more motivated and generally more successful in matters of work and life.
Emotional intelligence is attractive
Psychological studies and research show that we are naturally drawn to people with high emotional intelligence as they signal safety, emotional stability, empathy, warmth and social competence. Other studies have found that people rank EI as a higher priority than physical looks for deeply connected, long-term romantic partnerships. These traits of emotional self-awareness and clarity are highly desirable in both friendships, relationships, social settings and the workplace.
People who have mastered Goleman’s five components of emotional intelligence are generally positive people with good communication skills who are comfortable and easy to be around. They are open to feedback, and take criticism as informational data rather than a personal attack. Those with high emotional intelligence have strong boundaries, know their limits and don’t hesitate to speak up when their boundaries are disrespected or something is wrong.
These individuals are highly skilled at appraising and managing emotions to create fulfilling, low-conflict interactions that are naturally attractive to others. They have an effortless and natural ease with their communication and rapport as they are very cued into social situations.
This level of self-awareness is extremely attractive as it signals a person who is very conscious of their own emotional states (even the negative ones) and can easily identify and understand what they are feeling. The skill of naming your emotion helps to manage that emotion, giving highly emotionally intelligent people a realistic level of self-confidence about themselves that others often lack.
How can emotional intelligence be cultivated?
Even if you weren’t taught or modelled emotional intelligence, you can learn it. Start by observing people with high EQ — they are fairly easy to spot — and watch how they move in the world with self-awareness and control.
How do they treat the people around them? Do they show genuine curiosity and ask about others and their points of view rather than only talking about themselves? Do they listen well, without interrupting?
Can they read the room? Do they notice tension, subtle body language, shifts in tone, energy or mood that others might miss?
Do you notice them pausing, taking a breath and composing themselves before reacting (especially during moments of high stress, anger or delicate emotional conversations)?
During moments of conflict, notice their conversational skills, how they perform under duress, and the way they accept feedback and criticism as a chance to learn, not as a personal attack.
Observe how they take responsibility for their mistakes and apologise sincerely without excuses, blame or playing the victim. Notice how they skillfully let go of winning arguments purely for the sake of winning. People with high emotional intelligence are far more interested in hearing other’s viewpoints and finding common ground rather than being “right”.
Listen to how they name and own their feelings and emotions as they clearly address issues. For example, you might hear “I feel disappointed that you cancelled dinner without an explanation” rather than attack with “You always cancel on me”. One names the feeling and invites curiosity, the other only blames and invites defensiveness.
With practice and observation, you can start to learn to identify and understand your own feelings and emotions. Once you start naming the emotion you’re feeling, you can better regulate as you start to pause, breathe, and reflect (think) before acting impulsively.
These skills won’t happen overnight, but if you stick to them, you can learn how to control your emotions rather than your emotions controlling you.
How The Place Retreats Bali can help
At The Place Retreats, we provide a safe space to help you learn how to cultivate emotional intelligence.
If difficulties with managing your emotions are affecting your self-esteem, energy, personal life, or relationships, our award-winning luxury wellness retreats can help you explore why.
Our Balinese tropical sanctuary is designed to help clients focus on themselves through holistic therapies, movement practices, and mindfulness techniques.
Through individualised therapy sessions (including EMDR, CBT, and DBT), Kundalini yoga, meditation, and deep-tissue matrix healing, our expert team offers a personalised approach for every unique individual.
Contact us today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help you.