Boundaries have become one of the biggest buzzwords in mental health. There’s a lot of talk lately about ‘setting boundaries’ and ‘how to say no’, but what does that really mean?
Whether we grew up with caregivers who modelled and taught us these skills or we’ve had to learn and implement them in our adult lives, we can all learn to set healthier boundaries.
For me, I needed to learn that I was a people-pleaser with fairly non-existent boundaries. I would say yes to most things just to keep the peace or in the hopes that people would like me and see me in a positive light. I found it very hard to stand up for myself and say “no” even if I really didn’t want to do something.
An invite to a late evening event, but I’m feeling completely exhausted? I’d respond “Sure, I’ll be there, wouldn’t want to miss it!” while thinking…If I don’t say yes, they might not invite me again.
Super expensive destination wedding of a distant friend? Can’t really afford it and I don’t want to use up my holiday time, but it’s so nice to be invited so let me find my credit card and book that ticket!
Fear and doubt consistently clouded my judgement, my ability to set healthy boundaries, and my ability to navigate life with confidence about what was best for me.
Why do we feel guilty saying no?
The guilt, shame and anxiety are all products of your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do. It’s a conditioned response that your brain filed away a long time ago. Now, when you try to enforce a boundary, your brain is questioning this new response, which creates discomfort.
I was saying yes, even though my body was screaming ‘no’! My need (fear) to be liked and my guilt over disappointing someone became louder than my own needs and drowned out any natural boundaries. Any decision-making that didn’t involve a ‘yes’ felt nearly impossible as I didn’t truly trust myself to make the right choice. I was stuck in an unhealthy cycle. I felt drained and resentful, but I didn’t quite know why.
I cared a lot (maybe too much), but I never gave myself the time and space to say “Let me think about that” instead of automatically saying yes. What I hadn’t learned yet is that saying ‘no’ didn’t have to mean I didn’t care.
So I started small and gave myself time to think about invitations or expectations. What I discovered was that it was easier to say ‘no’ to fancy drinks out when I realised I had no desire to drink or even go out, so why would I say yes? I still spent a lot of energy worrying about disappointing people, but with practice and over time, it got easier, and my guilt eased up step by step.
Rather than think of boundaries as rules, reframe them as protection of your time, energy and values.
Boundaries can feel really uncomfortable
Sometimes saying no might seem impossible; it’s just too uncomfortable. Maybe, like me, you were raised from a very young age to be “good”, “helpful”, “agreeable” and that you needed to always make sure that other people were happy. You probably didn’t even think about your own happiness or what you wanted.
There’s a good chance you were taught through explicit rules or behaviour modelling by your caregivers that saying ‘no’ was bad, rude, selfish and may ultimately cause conflict or even danger. You learned that the easiest way to keep the peace, stay safe and keep everyone calm was to stay quiet and never speak up. Your needs came second.
Somewhere along the way, you started believing that your worth depended on what you did for other people. By putting everyone else first, you could win their approval and be chosen.
These patterns and coping mechanisms don’t magically disappear when you grow up. They follow you everywhere: your relationships, your work, and your friendships.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Struggling with boundaries is very common, and it just means that you learned how to keep yourself safe, and they worked so well that you don’t know how to do “boundaries”.
But these old ways of coping don’t serve you anymore.
What does setting a healthy boundary look like?
Healthy boundaries look like knowing what you can and cannot take on right now and being honest with people about your capacity. It’s respecting yourself enough to be honest and being able to say no without fear.
What does that look like in real life?
- Not answering the phone or returning a call later than usual.
- Stating you can’t join an event rather than making an excuse about it.
- Leaving a party early instead of staying until you’re drained and resentful.
- Taking the time to think about something before responding with an automatic yes.
- Consciously choosing to guard your energy and carve out time for yourself.
- Focusing on how much capacity you can honestly give.
- And perhaps the most difficult one…speaking up when something feels off, and you’re uncomfortable.
As with most things in life, practice makes everything easier. These are small steps – but by starting first with smaller, lower-stakes things, you can slowly build confidence in your boundary setting.
Little by little, you stop living for everyone else’s approval and start making decisions that genuinely reflect who you are and what matters most to you.
How The Place Retreats Bali can help with boundary setting
At The Place Retreats, we provide a safe space to help you get to the root cause of your guilt and fear as we explore why boundaries make you feel so uncomfortable. We understand that boundaries don’t mean saying no to everything and shutting out everyone around you, but rather making sure you’re being true to yourself and prioritising your wellbeing.
If difficulties with boundary setting are affecting your self-esteem, energy, personal life, or relationships, our award-winning luxury wellness retreats can help you explore why.
Our Balinese tropical sanctuary is designed to help clients focus on themselves through holistic therapies, movement practices, and mindfulness techniques.
Through individualised therapy sessions (including EMDR, CBT, and DBT), Kundalini yoga, meditation, and deep-tissue matrix healing, our expert team offers a personalised approach for every unique individual.
We believe you matter enough to take up space.
Contact us today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help you.