Abuse has long been thought of as a physical act, but there is another kind of abuse that is far more difficult to spot and understand. Emotional abuse is often normalised as it’s quite subtle and comes on so gradually that many people don’t even realise what’s happening. This makes it extremely confusing and all-consuming.
How can something all-consuming not be noticed? Mostly, because we’ve been conditioned to think of abuse as something that leaves visible scars and without that “proof”, what is the actual abuse?
The well-known “boiling frog” analogy is an excellent way to demonstrate how emotional abuse slowly sneaks up and explains why victims stay in abusive and toxic relationships without even realising they are being harmed.
You see, if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out instantly to save itself. Smart frog. But if you place it in cool water and turn up the heat very slowly, the frog will not notice the gradual temperature change. It’s not that the frog is no longer smart, but the fire is so gradual, the frog simply fails to react until it’s too late and it physically cannot jump out and save itself. Just like emotional abuse, the manipulation and toxic behaviours start small and escalate slowly, making them hard to notice until — like the boiled frog — it’s completely consuming you.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is more difficult to define, but it can be just as harmful as physical abuse and lead to mental health conditions such as depression and low self-esteem.
Healthy relationships are usually based on a variety of factors such as curiosity, communication, consistency, and earned trust, which makes both people feel safe and supported. Even in relationships with toxicity, there are still elements of love and care, but small boundary violations like criticism or jealousy might come on slowly. Because of the gradual changes, the victim either doesn’t notice the behaviour as anything worth worrying about, or they rationalise the changes, sometimes even blaming themselves for being “too sensitive,” “too much,” or “not enough.” These behaviours form a calculated and systematic pattern aimed at stripping away the victim’s autonomy and self-esteem.
By the time the “boiling frog stage” has arrived and the severe controlling behaviour, isolation, gaslighting or verbal abuse is clear and apparent, the victim is so worn down and confused, they either can’t leave or it feels too dangerous or overwhelming to do so. The key is knowing when the water is getting too hot, which is easier said than done as emotional abuse isn’t always easy to spot.
It’s important to remember that any relationship, not just romantic partners, can become abusive. Emotionally abusive relationships can also involve a family member, friend, or someone in the workplace such as your boss or a co-worker.
Here are seven common signs of emotionally abusive behaviours that are often overlooked or minimised.
1. Gaslighting
This is a very common tactic in emotionally abusive relationships. Gaslighters will deny facts or events in order to make their victims question their own reality. Once the victim fully doubts themselves and their own beliefs or perceptions of experiences, the gaslighter has full control.
Here are some classic gaslighting phrases:
“I never said that.”
“You’re crazy, that never happened.”
“You’re so sensitive, why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
Gaslighters are masters at manipulating reality.
2. Isolation
Abusers often isolate their victims from loved ones and restrict contact with friends, family, or support networks to increase dependence and control them more easily.
Some common isolation tactics include:
- Discourage you from spending time with family or friends, either in person or through other forms of communication.
- Restrict your ability to go out alone and insist on going everywhere with you.
- Become angry or jealous after you spend time with friends or family.
- Move to a new location away from family or friends
Once you are isolated, without family or friends’ support to help you recognise the abuse (and leave), it’s much easier for the abuser to convince you that they are the only person who cares about you.
3. Degradation and criticism
An emotionally abusive person often uses insults, name-calling or public humiliation to attack and demean your self-worth. This abusive language hits at a victim’s self-esteem, competence, attractiveness and value as a person.
Victims often stay in these relationships because over time they have come to believe the constant criticism.
4. Control
Abusers can exert control by constantly accusing you of cheating even when there’s no indication or proof, monitoring your location and your communications, and demanding to see your phone or have access to your passwords. They might call or text you excessively while you’re at work or with friends or family, dictate choices regarding appearance and clothing, and even restrict your finances.
5. Yelling and threats
Yelling, especially when it’s loud and aggressive, might be one of the clearest signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, as it shows up in all types of relationships — not just romantic ones.
Yelling and threats such as intimidation, self-harm or abandonment work as abusive tactics because they create an unequal power dynamic, as one person is louder and has more power to create fear and exert control over their victim.
6. Extreme jealousy and unpredictable anger
There are very few people who don’t feel a bit of jealousy at some point in a relationship, but when those feelings of insecurity become irrational and lead to intense anger and controlling behaviour, this is a sign of emotional abuse.
Unpredictable anger that leaves the victim hypervigilant and afraid to make any mistake is a sign of emotional abuse.
While jealousy and anger might be quite common in some relationships, extreme jealousy and terrifying levels of intimidation and anger take it to unhealthy levels of power and control.
7. Withholding
Abusers will deny basic affection (including sex), emotional support, or their attention as a form of punishment to make the victim believe the abuse is their fault. They blame and convince them that they could prevent the abuse if they just “lost the weight,” “kept the kids quiet”, or “stopped talking back”.
Many abusers shift the blame and dodge accountability for their actions, keeping the victim trapped and in a cycle of trying to change themselves to stop the abuse.
How to get help with The Place Retreats
All couples experience some level of rupture and disconnection in their relationship. This doesn’t mean love is gone, but when combined with emotionally abusive tactics, it points to a more serious issue.
Emotional abuse may not leave physical scars, but it can still be incredibly harmful. If you are a victim, it’s not your fault, and you are not to blame. In reality, emotional abuse says far more about your abuser than it does about you.
At The Place Retreats, our award-winning retreats are designed to support clients on every level. Through movement, therapeutic support, and intentional shared experiences, guests are guided back toward emotional safety and authenticity. Our Balinese tropical sanctuary is designed as more than just a getaway. We offer immersive experiences to help you reconnect with yourself through mindfulness practices like our full-spectrum breathwork, yoga, meditation, and daily gratitude journaling, as well as specialised therapies such as Shamanic Sound Healing and Personal Growth Tantra.
During your stay at The Place Retreats Bali, you’ll learn new skills and participate in guided activities to help you learn self-trust again.
Contact a member of our expert team today to learn how our tailor-made retreats can help you heal.